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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 29/07/2011 : 11:00
GAK you're # 14 reminded me of something I heard years ago...
"Women who seek equality with men, lack ambition". 

Not saying that I believe that ofcourse - Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 22/08/2011 : 20:28
Heard on the radio ...

I visited one of those stone circles and wondered how old it was, so I asked the official who was in charge:
Me: How old is the stone circle?
Official: Five thousand and three years.
Me: How can you be so exact?
Official: I started here three years ago and they told me then it was five thousand years old.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lionel Blue in his Thought for the Day on Radio 4 this morning...

Two ladies meet for a chat, one asking about the other's son.
Lady: I heard your son, the professor, has lost his job, has he found a new one?
Mother:  Yes, he's now a salesman for men's suits.
Lady:  Is he any good at selling suits?
Mother: Oh yes, he sold one to a widow for dressing her husband for his funeral.
Lady: Is that good?
Mother: Yes! Two pairs of trousers!

Edited by - Tizer on 25/08/2011 12:13:10


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 23/08/2011 : 03:47
I heard Lionel. He's beginning to fail a bit but his mind is still sharp.


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Julie in Norfolk
Senior Member


1632 Posts
Posted - 23/08/2011 : 18:08
Tizer, maths?


Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with a pencil.
Cut with an axe. Go to Top of Page
Julie in Norfolk
Senior Member


1632 Posts
Posted - 23/08/2011 : 18:09
Sorry, Pedants corner in this house. I assume an over enthusiastic typo. Love Lionel Blue to bits.


Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with a pencil.
Cut with an axe. Go to Top of Page
belle
VIP Member


6502 Posts
Posted - 23/08/2011 : 19:01
Nice to see you back Julie!


Life is what you make itGo to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 25/08/2011 : 12:18
Haha, thanks for noticing my mistake Julie and good to see you back on OG, even if it is to find my typos. Just goes to show, I'm dafter than the `official'. But at least I know what to do to get you back on this forum - just write a typo! To make up for it, here are what are claimed on the BBC web site to be the Top Ten funniest jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe (any typos are the Beeb's fault this time - I've copied and pasted the text.)

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."


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Julie in Norfolk
Senior Member


1632 Posts
Posted - 25/08/2011 : 19:49
New dream machine that doesn't kick me off every time I post a reply - yet.


Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with a pencil.
Cut with an axe. Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 26/08/2011 : 06:21
Good Jules, we need more from you!


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 30/08/2011 : 06:12
Heard this one on the TV this morning...

Teenage lass is staying at Granny's for a few days. When granddaughter's boyfriend comes to collect her for a date, Granny is horrified that the lass intends leaving the house wearing a sheer blouse with nothing underneath.
"You cannot possibly go out in public like THAT, young lady!" gasps Granny.
"You are so old fashioned, Gran. I can show my rose-buds in public if I want to".
Next morning, teenage lass finds her Granny sitting topless on the front porch.
"Hey! If you can display your rose-buds, I can display my HANGING BASKETS!" quips Gran.


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
JanJ
New Member


4 Posts
Posted - 30/08/2011 : 17:09
Two fish in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"


Two birds on a perch
One says to the other "can you smell fish?"


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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 01:34
I liked this one
 
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day. 2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. I love the next one!!! 7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!



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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 04:13
And Ubuntu would send you a free car that ran on fresh air and never went wrong.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 09:54
GAK's joke has been a long-time favourite doing the rounds among non-Microsoft people. It gets very close every Windows user's experience and is worth airing again on OG. I hope GAK won't mind but I've made a more user-friendly version and pasted it here.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.' In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light. I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer! 


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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 19:56
Paddy's Medical Dictonary

Artery-The study of paintings

Bacteria-Back door to cafeteria

Barium-What doctors do when patients die

Benign-What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section-A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan-Searching for Kitty

Cauterize-Made eye contact with her

Colic-A sheep dog

Coma-A punctuation mark

Dilate-To live long

Enema-Not a friend

Fester-Quicker than someone else

Fibula-A small lie

Impotent-Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain-Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff-A Doctor's cane

Morbid-A higher offer

Nitrates-Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days

Node-I knew it

Outpatient-A person who has fainted

Pelvis-Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative-A letter carrier

Recovery Room-Place to do upholstery

Rectum-Nearly killed him

Secretion-Hiding something

Seizure-Roman Emperor

Tablet-A small table

Terminal Illness-Getting sick at the airport

Tumour-One plus one more

Urine-Opposite of you're out 


Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
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