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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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melteaser
Genealogist


4819 Posts
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 18:27
That was hard work Kev!


Mel


http://www.briercliffesociety.co.uk Go to Top of Page
PostmanPete
New Member


16 Posts
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 16:03

Q.  What is a Barlickers preferred means of protection whilst making love..?

A.   A bus shelter..!




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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 10/02/2006 : 16:56

Replace "Barlickers" with "Essex Girls" and I could be back down south again.




Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Doc
Keeper of the Scrolls


2010 Posts
Posted - 11/02/2006 : 00:11
3 blokes in a film crew walking along in the desert to do a film shoot.A camera man a sound man and the director.
One of the guys kicks a lantern and he picks it up and gives it a rub and out pops a genie.
The genie says you have 3 wishes.
The sound man says I wish I had all the money in the world and live in the bahamas,next minute poof he's gone
The camera man says i wish I was irresistable to all women and had a big house in florida and all the money in the world, next minute poof he's gone.
The director says I wish those two blokes would stop messing around and get back to work...


TTFN - Doc


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 17/02/2006 : 07:31
I like it. One of the problems with being so chronologically endowed is that you know all the jokes. For a moment I thought it was this one:

Navigating officer of the US warship Baghdad reports to admiral commanding battle group that there is a large ship on the radar 12 miles ahead on a closing course. Admiral instructs NO to advise the other vessel of their presence and ask them to alter course. NO signals and gets the laconic reply 'Sorry, no can do'. NO reports to Admiral who gets on the horn himself and announces that he is Admiral Cheney commanding the US Atlantic battle group, he is on a closing course and once again demands that the other ship alter course. He receives a slightly garbled reply that seems to say 'Congratulations admiral Cheney but you know we can't do that.' Admiral shifts up a gear and says 'This is the US air craft carrier Baghdad leading the Atlantic Battle Group in international waters and I strongly advise you to alter course to avoid collision. Garbled reply comes back 'Come on Admiral, you must be joking! We don't alter course for anyone.' Admiral Cheney is apoplectic by this time, he grabs the microphone and shouts 'Now hear this, this is the Atlantic Battle Group and we are coming through, I will not be responsible for any damage we may incur. We take precedence over all other traffic on the high seas. I strongly advise you to take immediate avoiding action, we are closing at 30 knots and collision is imminent!

A very clear message comes through 'Morning Admiral, this is Chief Keeper Willoughby, we would like to accommodate you but I'm afraid that even after thirty two years experience I have no idea how I can alter course, by the way, if you have a look out of the window you'll see that we are not a vessel, this is the Fastnet Rock lighthouse. Over and out!'




Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
thomo
Barlick Born Old Salt


2021 Posts
Posted - 17/02/2006 : 11:01
NICE ONE STANLEY.      CAPTAIN OF USS NIMITZ TO CAPTAIN OF ARK ROYAL, "WHATS IT LIKE BEING A CAPTAIN IN THE SECOND BIGGEST NAVY." CAPTAIN OF ARK ROYAL, "FINE, WHATS IT LIKE BEING A CAPTAIN IN THE SECOND BEST.


thomo Go to Top of Page
malcolm brown
New Member


12 Posts
Posted - 18/02/2006 : 17:50

I was sitting in the Jade Palace Chinese restaurant in Earby
The Waiter takes my order
After about 5 minutes a duck waddles up to my table with a red rose, a box of chocolates tucked under its wing and says to me "Your eyes sparkle like diamond”
I said "Waiter”
I asked for A-ROMATIC duck
Malc




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bovisand
New Member


23 Posts
Posted - 18/02/2006 : 20:13
Signal sent by light one dark night in the Channel south of Plymouth -                                               Officer of the Watch USS NIMITZ (yes, him again) - ' TO UNKNOWN VESSEL AHEAD OF MY COURSE , I AM A LARGE WARSHIP LIMITED IN MY ABILITY TO MANOEUVRE , ALTER YOUR COURSE AND DISPLAY CORRECT RUNNING LIGHTS'                 Reply came back 'TO LARGE WARSHIP , THIS IS HEAD KEEPER EDDYSTONE LIGHTHOUSE , HOW MAY I FURTHER ASSIST YOU ?'


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bovisand
New Member


23 Posts
Posted - 18/02/2006 : 20:18

And mine was the original , Stanley !

Apologies now to Big Kev -                                                                                                                           Terrible accident the other day , tragic death of family pet...........fred the hamster was killed..................he fell asleep at the wheel.




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bovisand
New Member


23 Posts
Posted - 18/02/2006 : 20:24
This one is a true story..........half way through WW2 , and half way across the Atlantic, the Captain of one vessel spied another heading the opposite way. Battleship HMS Queen Elizabeth signalled to Liner-now-troopship RMS Queen Elizabeth just one word. 'SNAP!' .                 Priceless wit from an age largely gone by.


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 19/02/2006 : 07:12
The first time I heard it it was the US Forrestal and a Canadian lighthouse, that was 25 years ago...........  Still, I suppose a Former Naval Person gets precedence.  Did you know Doc was Chief Engineer of the Ark Royal.......?  (or something like that)


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Shane
Regular Member


170 Posts
Posted - 22/02/2006 : 22:30

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Shane




Never use money to measure wealth. Go to Top of Page
ronald.val
New Member


31 Posts
Posted - 23/02/2006 : 01:10

>>
>> > Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
>> > took their drink order.
>> >
>> > "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
>> >
>> > "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
>> >
>> > "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
>> >
>> > The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
>> > dinner.
>> >
>> > "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
>> >
>> > "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
>> >
>> > "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
>> >
>> > The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
>> > table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
>> >
>> > "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
>> >
>> > "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
>> >
>> > "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," ! exclaimed the third little
>> > piggy.
>> >
>> > "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,
>> > "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
>> >
>> > You're gonna LOVE me for this....
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> 
The third piggy says -
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > "Well, SOMEBODY has to go 'Wee, wee, wee', all the way home!"

ronald.val




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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 23/02/2006 : 06:46
Dog runs over to wall and pees on it standing on his hind legs with both forepaws resting on the wall.  Mate says to owner, 'That's unusual'.  Owner says 'Yes.  He's done it like that ever since the wall fell on him'.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Ringo
Site Administrator


3793 Posts
Posted - 24/02/2006 : 20:46
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 there ia knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry", he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............




"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."


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