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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 14:36
Good quote from Pam Ayres in that programme - "I am a goer, not a goner"

Is she West Country?  Won't look it up, but I thought she was Oxfordshire/ Bucks?


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 16:24
Mags sent me this:



A big mining company recently hired several cannibals.  “You are  all part of our team now”, said the HR manager during the  welcoming briefing.  “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to  the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other  employees”. The cannibals promised they would  not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very  hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls  has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to  her?” The cannibals all shook their heads indicating  “no”. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to  the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?” A  hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You  fool!!!!!  For four weeks we’ve been eating Managers  and Supervisors  and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!”   


Stanley Challenger Graham




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Gloria
Senior Member


3581 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 21:39

Blonde goes to heaven





A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St
Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But
Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been
forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of
Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with
the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when
I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she
had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of Jan uary, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of
twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider
your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away
shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the
answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question
absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the
answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that,
deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any
longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you
arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his
billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Worse ...
you're  now singing it to yourself !


I'd be dangerous with a brain!!!!!
www.briercliffesociety.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 23/01/2010 : 11:48
Tripps, I looked up Pam Ayres biography and you're right, she's from Stanford-in-the-Vale, Berkshire. I had assumed she was west country before I came to the west country, but now you've pointed it out I can see the difference in accent. Thanks.


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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 24/01/2010 : 10:54
How about this? from one of my friends.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo   woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

 Sally down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

 The Navajo woman was silent  for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

  'Good trade.'

 

 




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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 24/01/2010 : 11:28
Nice one Gak, here's a joke from NZ.

The Fire Fighters

One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.' But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files. From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?' 'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody truck!'  
 


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frankwilk
Senior Member


3975 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2010 : 08:57
Taxman at work !!
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.'

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.'

'Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.





'That would be me,' replied the farmer.



Frank Wilkinson       Once Navy Always Navy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 27/01/2010 : 07:19
Here's a small selection

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing

=====================================================================================================================
Then there's the minister who got up on Sunday and announced to his congregation "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
=====================================================================================================================
Robert went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it." ...... The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, "Not a problem, leave it all to me." ...... Robert looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!"
=====================================================================================================================
Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks ...... They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat ...... Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" ...... The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.
=====================================================================================================================
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening ...... The last thing they do is put their cat out ...... The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in ...... Terry returns inside to chase it out ...... Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." ...... Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!"
=====================================================================================================================
Where's the English Channel? ...... I don't know - our television doesn't pick it up.
=====================================================================================================================
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

"The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives."

"Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
=====================================================================================================================
An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what he thinks is the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough ...... In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water ...... The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks, "Have you caught anything yet?" ...... The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger before answering, "Aye, you be the ninth today."
=====================================================================================================================
A British Army Colonel was walking down Oxford Street in London, when he saw a man with no arms and no legs sitting on the pavement playing a mouth organ ...... A sign beside the chap read, 'Victim of the Falklands War.' ...... "I say how disgraceful, eh?" said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans." ...... So saying, he pulled out his wallet and peeled off two fifty pound notes and dropped them in the ex-soldier's hat ...... The veteran looked up and said, "Muchas gracias, senor."
=====================================================================================================================
Please excuse Pedro for being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
=====================================================================================================================
Eddie was driving down the road and a met a car coming the other way ...... Although there was room to pass easily, Eddie forced the oncoming car to slow down and wound down his window and shouted 'Pig' ..... The other driver looked in his rear view mirror and swore at Eddie ...... Then his car hit the pig.
=====================================================================================================================
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down, Old People's Home. - It had no effect.


At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger! Children at Play. - The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.


Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - Instant success, traffic now crawls through the village.
=====================================================================================================================
A woman came home to find her husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head ......

Wife: "What are you doing dear?"
Husband: "Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females"


Wife: "How do you know which gender they were?"
Husband: "Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone"
=====================================================================================================================
The Doctor was puzzled ...... "I'm very sorry Mr O'Flaherty, but I can't diagnose your trouble. I think it must be drink." ...... "Don't worry about it Dr Cullen, I'll come back when you're sober." said O' Flaherty.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 27/01/2010 : 08:57
Enjoying the jokes, thanks Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 29/01/2010 : 09:25
Some Bob Hope quotes passed on by Mrs Tiz's father.

ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill'.
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old.  In fact, I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.'


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 31/01/2010 : 10:20
AT THE AIRPORT
The first fully automatic flight is due to take off. At start, the on-board loudspeaker announces: "This flight is fully automatic. We have no crew. Just push a button for take-off. Push another button to get a meal. Push a third button to land. Nothing can go wrong - click - nothing can go wrong - click - nothing can go wrong ..."


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Callunna
Revolving Grey Blob


3044 Posts
Posted - 01/02/2010 : 10:01
I nipped on OG to mention my grandfather in Stanley's Ivory Hall piece and while I was here I read some jokes.

Glad I did, because while we were doing a spot at the Open Mic session at the Rainhall Centre on Saturday night I had to fill an awkward silence while a technical difficulty was solved.

Luckily I remembered Gloria's blonde in heaven quiz, changed it to "A Barlicker" and managed to get a titter from the audience (I'm rubbish a telling jokes).

 So thanks, Glo!


===================
www.sheldrickrose.co.uk
www.bernulf.co.uk
www.bernulfsplace.co.uk
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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 04/02/2010 : 02:51
 I liked this one
Story for You, 

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one! 

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? ...... He asked for help and she could see why. 

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on ...... Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. 

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." 

She looked and sure enough, they were ...... It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on ...... She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." 

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to ...... And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet ...... No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry ...... But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again ...... Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" ...... He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
 

Her trial starts next month.
GAK



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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 04/02/2010 : 06:19
Came in by email this morning from Cyprus.....



 


Stanley Challenger Graham




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frankwilk
Senior Member


3975 Posts
Posted - 05/02/2010 : 12:42
 JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.  DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.  
Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"
 
DeGaulle did not respond.
You could have
heard a pin drop


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.  During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims.  What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
 A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:
'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency  electrical power to shore facilities; they have three  cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,
they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.  We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'  
You could have
heard a pin drop.  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied,
'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have
heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.  
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked  sarcastically.  
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.  
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."  
The American said,
'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."  
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"  
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard  look.  Then he quietly explained,
''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single f___ing Frenchmen to show a passport to."  
You could have
heard a pin drop.




Frank Wilkinson       Once Navy Always Navy Go to Top of Page
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