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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 13/07/2010 : 11:10
Five insurance companies having merged, asked the College of Heralds for a coat of arms to represent the new unified group. When unveiled this showed on all four quadrants a man in bed with a woman and a baby on a central lozenge.  

The explanation was simple. The man with his wife was Legal and General; he with his girl friend, Mutual Trust; the shield showing a man with prostitute was for Commercial Union and that with the butler and upstairs maid - Employers Liability.   The baby? General Accident.


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catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 13/07/2010 : 12:14
Wonderful, Tizer.


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 14/07/2010 : 08:07
Nice one Peter! I came on because I was talking to a bloke this morning who's father was a tackler and he told me a Tackler's Tale that's new to me.

His father used to meet up with a fellow tackler on the walk to work and one morning he was surprised to see him on his hands and knees poking under the old fashioned front door with his ruler. It transpired that the bloke always locked the door when he came out and popped the big iron key through the letter box for his wife. He explained that he'd popped the key through without locking the door so he was trying to get it out with his ruler.

Funny thing is that I can see his logic!


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 14/07/2010 : 10:27
I once came home late and inebriated from a meeting of brewing scientists. Mrs Tiz had long gone to bed but she awoke to strange sounds in the hallway, and found me crawling on my hands and knees in circles. I had used the key to let myself in, stepped into the hallway...and dropped the key, and was now searching for it, concerned that it might have dropped outside before I closed the door. She joined the search but we couldn't find it and had to risk being burgled and retire to bed to continue the search in the morning. All became clear in the morning when I picked up my trousers and a key fell out of the turn-ups!  (And that dates the story too!)


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catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 14/07/2010 : 12:17
I like the old Sufi teaching tale about the legendary Nussrudin.

Nassrudin was walking along the street one day when he saw an old friend scrabbling about in the gutter amongst all the dust and muck.

He asked his friend what he was doing, and was told the his friend had lost a key and was looking for it.  So he got down on his hands and knees and started to help.

After a while it became obvious that there was no key to be found, and so he asked his friend where he lost it.

His friend said that he had lost it somwhere in the house.

"So why are you looking for it out here?", asked Nassrudin.

"Well its dark in the house and its easier out here because there is more light," was the reply.

Edited by - catgate on 14/07/2010 12:19:06 PM


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/07/2010 : 11:14

Parable

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.

He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!


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Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 17/07/2010 : 11:35
Mr T...!  I think Belle must be on Holiday.. If not she would have told you off for that one by now !

Edited by - Bradders on 17/07/2010 11:35:39 AM


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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 17/07/2010 : 12:02
The nun gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way...

i wonder if she was dissapointed?  Oh dear.  Wink


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
gus
Regular Member


704 Posts
Posted - 17/07/2010 : 16:09
Our teacher was cross eyed, unfortunately she could not control her pupils ....


Gus

http://www.flickr.com/photos/angusbrennan/
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Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 20/07/2010 : 17:57
A woman goes to the doctor, she has been beaten black & blue,

Doctor ' what happened to you ?'

Woman, ' every time my husband goes out for a pint or two he comes home & beats me'

Doctor ' iv'e a cure for that, when your husband comes home drunk, make a pot of tea, and take a mouthful of seetened tea and take a mouthful, but don't swallow it, just keep swishing it around your mouth until he goes to bed & is asleep'
Two weeks later she is back at the doctors looking a 100% better

Woman, doctor, that was a brilliant idea, he never touched me once in the last two weeks, i just kept swishing & swishing, and life was perfect

Doctor, ' you see now how much keeping your mouth shut helps !'


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 21/07/2010 : 10:43
Mmmm, not sure I like that one
          (nothing personal Bodger :)  )


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 24/07/2010 : 10:37
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was sueing the lorry company.
 

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..


Solicitor


'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
.

Seamus


'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor


'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'


Seamus


'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:


'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.


'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite
cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are
you hurt?'

'Now what the 
*** would you have said'?


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 24/07/2010 : 11:27
Barry Cryer on the radio last night...

Husband: Can we make love now?

Wife: No!

Husband: Why not?

Wife: The egg timer's broken!


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Invernahaille
Regular Member


669 Posts
Posted - 24/07/2010 : 14:06
Irish wolfhound lying on the ground, chewing a bone.
When it got up, it only had three legs.


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 25/07/2010 : 02:15


quote:
gearce wrote:
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry and was sueing the lorry company.
 

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..


Solicitor


'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
.

Seamus


'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor


'I didn't ask for any details','Just answer the question.. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'


Seamus


'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'


By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:


'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.


'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite
cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,
'How badly are
you hurt?'

'Now what the 
*** would you have said'?

  


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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