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BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
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HerbSG
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 Posted - 12/01/2006 : 23:49
American Airlines had a mech problem, the Capt. advised gotta throw out anything loose to reduce weight, said that helped now throw out seats, again it helped but will have to throw out passengers,,,we will do it alphabetically.....A African Americans, B blacks, C coloured.....a small black girl with her granma said "granma shouldn't we be going?" granma said "no honey today we' s N.....s."
HERB
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 13/01/2006 : 06:25
Yorkshiremen would be OK
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Mr. Feb
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Posted - 14/01/2006 : 06:51
An Irishman was at a bar drinking Guiness when he noticed a man who looked just like him at the other end of the bar.
He said " you look just like me!" The other said , "you look like me too!"
Where do you live? - " I live at Gallway Bay." Me too said the other one.
What street - " O'Brien Street" - said the first. Me too said the other one
What number - "162" said the first - Me too said the other.
What's your parents name -"Sean & Maggie" - said the first - Me too said the other
Just then the relief bartender turned up for work and on taking over said " any problems?"
"No" said the outgoing bar tender - "only the Murphy twins drunk again!"
Mr. Feb (long suffering husband of Maz!) |
Big Kev
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Posted - 14/01/2006 : 09:31
BEST 'DEAR JOHN' LETTER EVER
A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received a 'Dear John' letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is just too great. I must admit
that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone,
and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John.
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:-
Dear John, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the
rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary.
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
melteaser
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Posted - 14/01/2006 : 10:08
I do like the Dear John
Mel
http://www.briercliffesociety.co.uk |
Big Kev
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Posted - 14/01/2006 : 21:55
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 15/01/2006 : 06:08
Man walking down beach with ugly dog. See bottle, picks it up and wipes the sand off it. Genii pops out of the neck in a cloud of smoke and tells him he can grant him one wish. Man asks the genii to make his dog run fast enough to win the Gryehound Grand National. Genii says hang on, I said a wish, not a miracle, the dog's only got three legs! Man says OK, make me handsome. Genii thinks for a minute and says 'Let's have another look at that dog......'
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Christy
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Posted - 23/01/2006 : 17:39
Three candidates for Prime Minister of Canada were in a plane over Alberta. They were going to an All Candidates meeting. It was a a very competitive campaign. Paul Martin says "I could throw a hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Steven Harper says, "I could throw out 10 ten dollar bills and make 10 people happy." Not to be outdone, Jack Layton says, I could throw out 100, one dollar bills, and one hundred people would be happy." The pilot, sick of these arrogant guys says, "I could chuck all of you out and make everyone happy."
The federal election is today. January 23, 2006.
Keep it green |
Doc
Keeper of the Scrolls
2010 Posts
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Posted - 29/01/2006 : 23:25
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the
judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
TTFN - Doc
Due to the current economic climate, the light at the end of the tunnel has now been switched off.
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belle
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Posted - 03/02/2006 : 14:09
Apologies in advance for the Americanisms in this joke but it's the only one i know......A woman took her 4 year old girl to church, with the warning that she must sit still and be quiet through the service. She was doing well untill the vicar got up to give his sermon. He began very seriously, " Without God we are but dust.." and was a bout to continue when a shrill childs voice piped up "Mummy, What's Butt dust?!!"
Life is what you make it |
Doc
Keeper of the Scrolls
2010 Posts
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Posted - 03/02/2006 : 17:31
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
> steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table £39.99
Hot Breakfast £4.20
Two Aspirins £0.38
Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless
TTFN - Doc
Due to the current economic climate, the light at the end of the tunnel has now been switched off.
Click here to make a donation and help support this site and keep it advert free
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 03/02/2006 : 18:18
Nice one Doc, I like that one......
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Christy
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Posted - 07/02/2006 : 05:32
Really liked the monkey baby joke and dear John. I have copied them and I am taking them to work. Send more. Wish I knew more. "Butt dust"...One thing I don't get is ...what "Americanisms?" I must be so Americanized I don't see them...Canada here.
Keep it green |
Big Kev
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Posted - 07/02/2006 : 10:26
I know locals have difficulty with my south London accent but I felt much better after reading this.
TENJEWBERRYMUDS
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud in a somewhat far eastern
anglo-chinese accent. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by
the end of the conversation.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July dem?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July dem?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad! ?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
Ringo
Site Administrator
3793 Posts
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Posted - 07/02/2006 : 10:51
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar. The barman says "Hey! David Hasselhoff!"
David says "Hey buddy, I don't really wanna be recognised, could you call me David Hoff?"
The barman replies "Sure, no hassel!"
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Know any good clean Jokes
