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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 07/06/2010 : 15:41

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walker by'


One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.


The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down ! around his ankles, the old gent asked,'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'



Every silver lining has a cloud.


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 16/06/2010 : 10:05
Another from my father-in-law...

The New Alphabet Meaning

The Alphabet
A  is for apple, and  B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, The  Alphabet:

A's  for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's  the chest pains,
Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E  is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F  is for fissures and fluid retention,
G  is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H ..  High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I ..  For incisions with scars you can show..
J  is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K  is for knees that crack when they bend.
L  for libido, what happened to sex?
M  is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N  is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O  is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P  for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q  is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R  is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S  is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T  is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U  is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V  for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W  for worry,  NOW what's going 'round?
X  is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y  for another year I'm left here behind,
Z  is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!


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Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 21/06/2010 : 08:54
OXO are introducing a white version with red stripes on the sides to support the English soccer team, it will be known as Laughing Stock


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 21/06/2010 : 09:41
Lovely one Bodger! Now this one is nothing to do with football but it might cheer you up...

Snail cartoon

Edited by - Tizer on 21/06/2010 09:41:46


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catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 24/06/2010 : 12:59
Two old girls met in the village shop. One asked the usual "How are you" etc.and the the other said she was fine.

"...and how about your bert?" said the first one.

"Oh he still has his usual."

"What's his usual?"

"Ah1 You never heard about it"

"No?"

"Well when he sneezes he get an erection ."

"Oh dear. What are you giving him for it?"

" Pepper."

 


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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belle
VIP Member


6502 Posts
Posted - 24/06/2010 : 15:29
neither 'good' nor 'clean' !


Life is what you make itGo to Top of Page
catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 24/06/2010 : 15:51


quote:
belle wrote:
neither 'good' nor 'clean' !

No but it has age in it's side. Wink


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 26/06/2010 : 10:33


quote:
Tizer wrote:
Lovely one Bodger! Now this one is nothing to do with football but it might cheer you up...

Snail cartoon

Edited by - Tizer on 21/06/2010 09:41:46

Saw this one a few postings back Posted - 19/05/2010 : 13:11


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 11/07/2010 : 22:45
A friend from Padiham told me this one recently.....

Bob Hope had given his final stand-up show  at somewhere posh in New York (Carnegie Hall probably) and it had been attended by a bloke from Nelson , and another from somewhere in the West Riding......

Bob H. had gone down a STORM  and had been called back for numerous curtain calls...He'd left the audience crying ....

Nelson says to Halifax..."Well Lad , what about that then  ...Great eh  ??"

Halifax replies " It were alright..........If ye like Laughin'...."


BRADDERS BLUESINGER Go to Top of Page
tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 11/07/2010 : 23:04
That's the gag (or a version of it) that Alan Titchmarsh did at my son's graduation ceremony. I like it - very "Northern".


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 04:29
Straight out of the Uncle Mort joke book.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Callunna
Revolving Grey Blob


3044 Posts
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 09:12
An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Leeds taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in  Bradford. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Leeds and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'OK, thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to York, Rotherham, Sheffield, Dewsbury, and Pickering.                

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Yorkshire decided to travel up to Lancashire to see if Lancastrians had the same phone.

He arrived in Bolton, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Yorkshire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Yorkshire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Lancashire now, son ... it's a local call.'



===================
www.sheldrickrose.co.uk
www.bernulf.co.uk
www.bernulfsplace.co.uk
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 10:42
Loved that Calluna, very good.  Yay  Not true tho ofcourse if your  West Riding Yorkshire.  

Edited by - Cathy on 12/07/2010 10:44:05 AM


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 11:47
Which brings me neatly onto the OTHER  joke I know......

(must be read in "with a Jewish Accent !!)

Little guy goes to the synagogue , gets down on his knees , and calls out   "God are you there" ?...

Big booming voice says ".Yes Abraham ....You have a problem??"

 "YES God, I don't know what I'm going to do ....." says Abe...

"Well tell  me , what it is " says God

So Abe spills the beans...."It's my Son ....He's turned into a Christian " he sobs........

 

 

God answers......"Y O U R  S O N " !!

 

 

Edited by - Bradders on 12/07/2010 11:49:47 AM


BRADDERS BLUESINGER Go to Top of Page
Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 12/07/2010 : 15:00
3 Jewish business men , Abe, Sol & Issy were discussing finance,

Abe, " i had a fire and got £200,000 for my trouble"

Sol, " I had a flood and got £ 300, 000"

Issy, " Sol, how do you start a flood ?"


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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