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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 14/08/2010 : 10:56
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. 

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful ful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 14/08/2010 : 12:28
Nice one Gearce!


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jgb7573
New Member


44 Posts
Posted - 15/08/2010 : 09:22
Noise Leaks:
Everyone knows that electronics are pumped full of smoke. When the smoke leaks out, electronics stop working.
Most people don't realise that mechanical parts are also pumped full of noise. This is why they are made on noisy machines.
Ideally, the noise will be let out of parts a little bit at a time. The reason is that once all the noise has leaked out, all the parts will stop working. Sometimes the noise leaks out all at once: BANG and then it is all over.
Sometime you can put a little bit of noise back into a mechanical part, either by screaming at it, or whacking it with your fist or hammer. But usually it has to be sent back to the machine shop to be pumped full of noise again to work properly again.



JohnB,

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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 15/08/2010 : 10:12
John, you have just summarised in everyday language the First and Second Laws of Leakodynamics. The Third Law is that noise can be converted into smoke. When an engine starts to leak noise some of that noise quickly converts into the lower energy state that we all know as smoke and the surplus energy is released as sparks, heat, swearing and and bad temper. Smoke has not yet been converted into noise under controlled conditions because it requires an immense amount of energy to force the reaction to go backwards. However scientists at a research centre in Switzerland are attempting to achieve this feat by bombarding smoke with bosuns (fundamental particles that catalyse the generation of noise when in a high energy state).


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tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 15/08/2010 : 11:24
Brilliant - but not suitable for the Jokes section?     Little known facts I'd say.Smile


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 16/08/2010 : 09:02
While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies ...... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 
 
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems  there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.


"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the  MSP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They  run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are  having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have  a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." 

The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down  to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.


He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and  putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I  don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank  champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 16/08/2010 : 10:37

I may have to re-think my decison before I vote on Saturday...  Surprised


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 16/08/2010 : 11:36
In our local newspaper an estate agent has mentioned a few `interesting' house names that he has encountered.

Jeckylls Hyde
Costa Fortuna
Thistledo
Wits End
Far Things (house with a great view)
JYAMAL  (Just you and me love)
Llamedos (grumpy man's house - read it backwards

Do you have any house names to contribute?


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 05:55
There is a bungalow next to the road in Drummore on the Mull of Galloway just below the embankment where the road has been raised to ease the gradient into the village. The neighbouting houses have names like 'Beach View' and 'Sea View'. The one behind the highest part of the bank is called 'Nae View'. I used to go to a farm neaqrby called 'Drough Duil' and the man who lived there told me it meant 'The house without a view'.

Cathy, I was watching some coverage of the election and there seems to be a bit of a backlash going on. Not good for politics, makes the contestants look like amateurs.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 05:55
PS. Tell me again what the Aussie name is for Speedos?


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 09:00
quote:
Tizer wrote:

Do you have any house names to contribute?

Here's an interesting site for house names

Selecting  'Names Galore' from the left-hand menu then 'Unusual House Names' from the drop-down menu, these are some of the names I like but there are many more and over on the right-hand menu, you can find names in various languages by selecting from the menu and then the text from the drop-down menu.

Costa Pakit
Dam Breezy
Dunbyus
Fortitoo (42)
Icyinn
Isor
Kickatinalong Way
Kumincyde
Sherlock’s Holme
Snicer 
Thistledoo
Yeoldun
Y Wurree
 
But are we in the right topic for this?


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 11:00
Never mind the topic, keep up the jokes - it's all humour after all, and don't we need it with folk like me posting grumpy messages!

It's good to see there are so many creative houseowners.


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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 11:06
Smile

Stanley... Speedo's, known in Oz as Budgee Smugglers.

            Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 11:38
Talking of speedos, did you see the TV programme on the history of British camping? Lovely pics of campers from the early 1900s through the 1950s into the Mediterranean camping of later times etc. They did the usual scheme of talking to people about their experiences. One lady said she remembered in France watching six men in very tight speedos pulling a car out of a ditch. She said it was "sensational"!


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 16:45
That's it Cathy! I heard it used on a clip of the rival candidate on TV in the surf at I think it was Bondi. He was electioneering at the time. I've often wondered where my speedos went..... I have an idea one of my daughters confiscated them when they converted me to Ripcurl.

Sorry, couldn't resist it. Those were the days!




Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
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