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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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jgb7573
New Member


44 Posts
Posted - 24/09/2010 : 16:45
Bruce, an Australian who was working on contract for 3 months in
Dublin was drinking in ODonoghue's pub in Merrion Row when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds but Bruce
just shrugs, "That's about average in Oz. Like I said my boy is a typical Australian baby boy.

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later Bruce returns to the bar. Greg, the bartender says "You're the father of that typical Australian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So how much does he weigh now?

The proud father answers '17 pounds"

Greg is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds
the day he was born.

Bruce takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ..............




"Had him circumcised mate"


JohnB,

Found that horn - gorn! Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 01/10/2010 : 10:00
Why I'm  divorced......... 

Last  week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well  waking up on that  morning..   

I  went downstairs for  breakfast   
Hoping my wife  would be pleasant and  say,   
'Happy  Birthday!',   
And possibly  have a small present for  me.   

As  it turned out,   
She barely  said good morning,   
Let  alone   
' Happy  Birthday.'   

I  thought....   

Well,  that's marriage for  you,   
But the  kids....   
They will  remember.   

My  kids came bounding down stairs to  breakfast 
And didn't say a  word..   
So when I left for  the office,   
I felt pretty  low   
And somewhat  despondent.   

As  I walked into my office,   
My  secretary Jane said,   
'Good  Morning Boss,   
And by the  way   
Happy Birthday !  '   
It felt a little  better   
That at least  someone had  remembered.   

I  worked until one o'clock  ,   
When Jane knocked on my  door   
And said, 'You  know,   
It's such a beautiful  day outside,   
And it is your  Birthday,   
What do you say  we go out to lunch,   
Just  you and me..'   
I said,  'Thanks, Jane,   
that's the  greatest thing   
I've heard  all day.   
Let's go  !'   

We  went to lunch.   
But we  didn't go   
Where we normally  would go. 
She chose instead at a quiet  bistro   
With a private  table.   
We had two martinis  each   
And I enjoyed the meal  tremendously.   

On  the way back to the office, 
Jane said,  'You know,   
It's such a  beautiful day...   
We don't  need to go straight back to the  office,   
Do We  ?'   

I  responded,   
'I guess  not.   
What do you have in  mind ?'   
She  said,   
'Let's drop by my  apartment,   
it's just around  the corner..'   

After  arriving at her  apartment,   
Jane turned to  me and said, 

' Boss, if  you don't mind,   
I'm going  to step into the  bedroom   
For just a  moment.   
I'll be right  back.'   
'Ok.' I nervously  replied.   

She  went into the bedroom  and,   
After a couple of  minutes,   
She came  out   
Carrying a huge  birthday cake  ...   
Followed   
By  my wife,   
My  kids,   
And dozens of my  friends   
And  co-workers,   
All singing  'Happy Birthday'.   



And I just  sat there....   


On  the couch....   

Naked.





Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 01/10/2010 : 10:50
Very funny Kev. The Daily Express used these two images this week, which were released to mark the centenary of Bamforth postcards.

Bamforth postcards


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 02/10/2010 : 10:30
Before marriage …
 
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After ten years of marriage …

Simply read from bottom to top



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 05/10/2010 : 10:55
p { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; }

Two workmates were talking and Joe said “Here's a hypothetical question for you, Bert. If you were working nights, and I went round to your house, made love to your wife, and she had a child as a result, would that make us related?”

Bert thought for a moment and then said “No, but it would make us equal.”


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 05/10/2010 : 16:47
Cat sale...

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice.  I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.  The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Edited by - Tizer on 05/10/2010 16:48:41


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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 09/10/2010 : 17:40
Heard at a recent job interview.

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?

I'm Batman.


Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 01:16
A  LITTLE BRITISH HUMOUR
 
The  train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by  a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle... 

The war-weary Marine asked,  "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude.  My little Fifi is using that seat." 

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.  "Please, ma'am.  May I sit down? I'm very tired." 

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down. 

The woman screamed and shouted, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 10:25
A good chuckle once again  Yay


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
frankwilk
Senior Member


3975 Posts
Posted - 10/10/2010 : 13:04
I like this one

Shortly after David Cameron became PM, a retired marine approached Number 10. He spoke to the Police Officer standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet Mr Brown."

The Officer looked at the old vet and said, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here." The old vet said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same retired marine approached Number 10 and said to the same Officer, "I would like to go in and meet Mr Brown."

The Officer again told the vet, "Sir, Mr. Brown is no longer PM and no longer resides here." The vet thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same vet approached Number 10 and spoke to the very same Officer saying, "I would like to go in and meet with Mr Brown."

The Officer, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the vet and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Brown and I've already told you that Mr. Brown is no longer the PM and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old vet looked at the Officer and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Officer snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"




Frank Wilkinson       Once Navy Always Navy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 16/10/2010 : 06:00
It's World War One and a British army officer is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh. At the end of the visit, the doctor takes him into a ward with a number of patients with no obvious signs of any injuries.
 
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

The officer, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit."

This continues with the next patient:
"Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O' what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin and chase thee,
Wi' murd'ring prattle!"

"I see," the officer mutters to the doctor, "that you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"No," the doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit."


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 05:13
If this offends, I apologise and a moderator may delete.

FROM MY JOKE BOOK ...... You may or may not have heard or read this before but, what the heck, I think it's worth repeating.

Dr. Jones was at home having a shower. He came out, dried himself and went to the bedroom to get dressed. He plonked himself down on the bed a little to quickly, and felt a terrible pain. He struggled to stand up and looked in the mirror to find that his three-year-old son's favourite Disney toy was lodged in his rear passage. Being a doctor, he knew that the best thing to do would be to get to A&E and have it seen to.

"Boy," he thought to himself. "They're really going to take the Mickey out of me at work!"



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 07:35
Both good  ones  gearce. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 12:57


quote:
gearce wrote:
It's World War One and a British army officer is being shown around a military hospital in Edinburgh. At the end of the visit, the doctor takes him into a ward with a number of patients with no obvious signs of any injuries.
 
He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:
"Fair fa' yer honest sonsie face,......

.......Wi' murd'ring prattle!"

"I see," the officer mutters to the doctor, "that you saved the psychiatric ward for last."

"No," the doctor corrects him, "this is the Burns Unit."

Was this the same hospital where the man had to have a foot off  to allow him to wear a kilt?


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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belle
VIP Member


6502 Posts
Posted - 17/10/2010 : 13:46
Think we may be straying form the title with the last two!


Life is what you make itGo to Top of Page
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