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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 07/09/2011 : 23:13
A bloke crossing Cheetham Hill Road gets hit by a car.....His friend sees the accident and rushes over to offer assistance.....He puts his friend into the recovery position , and rolls up his own jacket , to make a pillow. He then bends down to be nearer his friend and asks quitely .....

" Abe , are you comfortable ?"..... 

Abe opens one eye and says      "......well I make a living "


BRADDERS BLUESINGER Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 08/09/2011 : 05:07
There's something about Jewish humour that gets me every time.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 15/09/2011 : 08:22
Abe & Sol are discussing business,  Abe, 'hows business Sol?'

Sol, ' Good, two fires and a flood , i got claims on all three'

Abe, 'Sol, how do you sart a flood?'


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 15/09/2011 : 14:23
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. 
There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued. 
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared 
out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, 
it's nothing to be scared about," he said.
"You're simply going through the change!"




Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
panbiker
Senior Member


2300 Posts
Posted - 15/09/2011 : 14:28
Very good Kev.

No doubt the lady in question would be "flush" with cash as well!


Ian Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 16/09/2011 : 10:31
I was going to make a joke about the doctor asking her if she'd had a check up, but thought better of it.


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/09/2011 : 01:43
Maximum Occupancy

Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Scotsmen retorts in disbelief. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Scotsmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

From http://www.paddyjokes.com



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 19/09/2011 : 08:52
A selection from THE WORDORIUM - A Dictionary of Daffy Definitions (A collection of some 1553 alternate meanings for some common words. A daffy definition or 'daffynition' is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word. Although many daffynitions are just horrible puns (for example, "each = something you scratch"), some are clever epigrams. A subclass of daffynition is the 'goofinition' which depends on literal associations and correct spellings for its wordplay power (for example, "balderdash = rapid hair loss" and "summer = abacus"). Then there is the 'prefixed goofinition', which applies to words which appear to have prefixes like auto- or pre- or un- etc, (for example, "expert = no longer lively" and "counterman = census taker". Another subclass of daffynition is the 'charade' where the words are bundles of two or more words, like board-walk or a-bun-dance. Sometimes the components can suggest a definition very different from the whole word’s real meaning (for example, "thinking = skinny monarch" and "pungent = someone who thinks he’s witty") ) by Jacelyn Rymon, plus some others which I came across elsewhere.


Bachelor - One who never Mrs. a girl.

Carrion - Continue.
Dachshund - A Great Dane after taxes.
Edinburgh - Action taken by a cowering bonny bunny.
Fishmonger - A selfish man.
Glass - Chinese marijuana.
Hair - The only thing that will prevent baldness.
Information fee - Know charge.
Jacket - Action taken to a broken-down car.
Kindred - Fear that relatives are coming to stay.
Latex
- Your former partner turns up for the divorce hearing when it had finished.
Miner - Someone who won’t share.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 21/09/2011 : 05:28
Received this in an email and YES it's all over the Internet but this will save you looking.

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Her lack of response to his conversation worried him.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what's for dinner?"

"For God's sake, Bert, for the FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!"



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 25/09/2011 : 11:44
With apologies to all Irish mothers!....

Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well , though last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.  
 

Edited by - Tizer on 25/09/2011 11:44:21


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Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 25/09/2011 : 17:29
Isn't it great that people still use "Pull the Chain" for flushing the toilet !


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tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 29/09/2011 : 23:04
The barman said - we don't serve neutrinos here.....






There was this neutrino who walked into a bar.....



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Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 30/09/2011 : 09:14
Carlos Tevez has opened a sandwish shop - "Subnoway" . Nolic


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 01/10/2011 : 11:38
Tripps, your neutrino joke was relatively funny...


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Callunna
Revolving Grey Blob


3044 Posts
Posted - 01/10/2011 : 18:44
in case of fire


===================
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