Visit the historic Lancashire Textile Project with over 500 photos and 190 taped interviews|2|0
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    25  26  27  [28]  29  30   Next Page  Last Page
Author Previous Topic Topic Next Topic  
BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




Replies
Author
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    25  26  27  [28]  29  30   Next Page  Last Page
 
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 02/06/2011 : 04:40
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Yum! I smell maple syrup!'
 
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'
 
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
 
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is ......................................... MOLASSES!'


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 04/06/2011 : 12:21
This one from my sister-in-law...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely sod all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be British, don't it!

-------------------

And this from father-in-law...

Best worst joke

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman... and a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Japanese,a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, a Singporean, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....

The doorman said "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai".

Edited by - Tizer on 04/06/2011 12:23:05


Go to Top of Page
tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 04/06/2011 : 13:30
Well done Peter - I smiled twice there!!


Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 05/06/2011 : 11:13
One of the newspaper cuttings read out on the Radio 4 News quiz recently...

In the classified ads:

For Sale
Encyclopdaedia Britannica. Full set. Excellent condition. Not needed anymore. Just got married. Wife knows everything.


Go to Top of Page
panbiker
Senior Member


2300 Posts
Posted - 05/06/2011 : 12:06
Must be the sea air Peter or have you been browsing the seaside postcards on the prom?

Not very good at remembering jokes but I will offer ASCII COWS ...... which I discovered some years ago in the early days of computing, always good for a laugh.

Edited by - panbiker on 05/06/2011 12:12:22


Ian Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 05/06/2011 : 16:57
What creativity and bovine magnificence, Ian, thanks!


Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 06/06/2011 : 04:40
Good crop. I think my favourite is Jack Arkwright. There is a truth buried there.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 21/07/2011 : 11:39
I know I've heard some of these before but not all of them...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6.  No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
8.  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13.  Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:  'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

14.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16.  A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said 'No change yet.'

17.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

21.  A backward poet writes inverse.

22.  In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23.  When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24.  Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects! 


Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 21/07/2011 : 12:11
Thanks Tise, love number 14. 
A bit like the pebbles that are put in our way, then a stone, then a boulder to remind us of something.


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
belle
VIP Member


6502 Posts
Posted - 21/07/2011 : 13:03
A midle aged married couple sat side by side on bench drinking wine.
"I really love you!" the man said, "I couldn't live without you!"
"is that you or the wine talking?" his wife replied.
"It's me!" said the man..........................................................................


"Talking to the wine!"


Life is what you make itGo to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 27/07/2011 : 11:17
I've just been browsing small display cases on the Web and one of the shops had the following caption against one type of case (read it carefully):

"They come with a foam insect. With the foam insect, specimens can be up to 5mm in thickness, or 15mm without the foam."


Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 28/07/2011 : 04:52
Heard this on Ellen yesterday, she was talking about daylight saving...

winter clothing on the rack, turn the clock back
thong underwear on the bed, turn the clock ahead    Wink


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 28/07/2011 : 04:55
Cuckoo spit?


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 29/07/2011 : 08:20
From another exbarlicker.
PARAPROSDOKIANS.. I had to look up "paraprosdokian." At first,I thought it was a newpolitical party. Here is the definition:"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase issurprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."Example:"Where there*s a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian. Ok, so now enjoy! 1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level andbeat you with experience. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it*s still on my list. 3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appearbright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we*d both be wrong. 5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it ina fruit salad. 8. Evening news is where they begin with *Good Evening,* and thenproceed to tell you why it isn*t. 9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many isresearch. 10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a trainstops. On my desk, I have a work station. 11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks. 12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, *In caseof emergency, notify:* I put *DOCTOR.* 13. I didn*t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the streetwith a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of asuccessful man is usually another woman. 16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory. 17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn*t work that way. So Istole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute toskydive twice. 19. Money can*t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to livewith. 20. There*s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down sothey can*t get away. 21. I used to be indecisive. Now I*m not so sure. 22. You*re never too old to learn something stupid. 23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever youhit the target. 24. Nostalgia isn*t what it used to be. 25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26. Going to church doesn*t make you a Christian any more than standingin a garage makes you a car. 27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way thatyou look forward to the trip. 28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wishthey were. 29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, anda shot of tequila. 30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the FireDepartment usually uses water.  other Words of Wisdom"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."Jon Hammond 

enjoy GAK


Go to Top of Page

cloghopper
Regular Member


88 Posts
Posted - 29/07/2011 : 10:46
Three rabbits escape from a scientific research lab.

They come across a field of carrots, fill themselves to bursting, then  hide in the hedge for a good sleep. Next morning they find a field where there are a lot of pretty little bunnies to frolic around with, frolic themselves silly, and then have a good sleep.

Next morning first rabbit says " I'm going back to that carrot field". Second rabbit says "and I fancy another frolic with those sweet little bunnies". Third rabbit says "I'm going back to the lab, I'm dying for a fag." 


Dyslexics untie Go to Top of Page
Topic is 33 Pages Long:
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    25  26  27  [28]  29  30   Next Page  Last Page
 


Set us as your default homepage Bookmark us Privacy   Copyright 2004-2011 www.oneguyfrombarlick.co.uk All Rights Reserved. Design by: Frost SkyPortal.net Go To Top Of Page

Page load time - 1.297