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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 13/12/2009 : 08:07
Have a look at this very funny advert.  Nolic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSKL3ohnr3A&feature=related




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marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 13/12/2009 : 08:51
They didn't wash their hands...


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 14/12/2009 : 06:45
Do you really need to wash your hands after a cigarette or a glass of beer ...... Hmmmmmmmmmm!


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 14/12/2009 : 20:32
A man called Bob Golding is doing a show where he imitates the comedian Eric Morecambe. I read a review of the show which quoted one of the jokes: "I bought my wife a fur coat made from hamsters. We went to Blackpool for our holidays and I couldn't get her off the Big Wheel."


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/12/2009 : 04:40
During an excursion to the Isle of Lewis, the weather turned cold and rainy and the passengers huddled together for warmth ...... The boat captain shouted down to the crew's quarters, "Is there a mackintosh down there large enough to keep three ladies warm?"

"No," came the booming answer, "but there's a MacPherson who'd sure like to try."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 23/12/2009 : 03:04
I'm in a bar, having a few drinks, when nature calls ...... So I go into one of the restroom stalls, and moments later, the guy in the next stall, says "Hi. How's it going?"
So, I go "Uhhh, all right."
A couple of seconds later he says, "What are ya doing tonight?"
So, naturally I replied, "Just having' a couple of beers, and then I'm going home."
The next thing he says is, "Listen, I'll call you back later. There's an idiot in the next stall, answering everything I say."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 03/01/2010 : 03:53
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised?"

Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


NOW ...... ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON? ...... OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


Not a joke but this is cute and funny
.

Go to
http://www.sundog.net/carolofthechins/flash/card.swf and type in any Christmas song ...... Click on the Sing it button and see what the little puppets do ...... One of the funniest I typed in was Jingle Bell Rock ...... They forget the words half way through ...... Also, type in any non-Christmas song (I typed in Happy Birthday) and you'll get a kick out of the response.

HOW DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 03/01/2010 : 12:10

I came across this from years ago and thought it deserved another airing. GAK
Why computers sometimes crash! By Dr. Suess.   (Read this to yourself aloud.)
  

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,

and the access of the memory makes your floppy disc abort,

then the socket packet pocket has an error to report, 

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,

then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash! 

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,

that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, 

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,

so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang, 

When the copy on your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disc,

and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you’ll

have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM,

and then quickly turn off the computer, and be sure to tell your Mom! 

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 03/01/2010 : 12:18
Wonderful Gak, thanks!


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/01/2010 : 03:14
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy cold Monday morning ...... It's a bad one ...... Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/01/2010 : 11:27
On last night's Radio 4 News Quiz.

Advice in a newsletter for mothers "If your baby does not drink its milk, boil it".

 


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 20/01/2010 : 14:23
Perhaps I put you all off with that last one. Here's something different, sent to us by a Canadian friend. I don't recall seeing it on here already.

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done  


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 03:41
James Bond is a stylish hero you know ...... Whenever people ask him of his name, he answers in his own branded style - "Bond - James Bond"

Last year Bond came to Bangladesh for a quick visit ...... In Noakhali Swimming Complex, he met Pasha.

Pasha asked: "Hey, what's you name?"
James Bond replied: "Bond - James Bond."

Then Bond asked Pasha the same: "And what's yours?"
Pasha replied: "Pasha - Choudhury Pasha - Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha - Abul Kalam Mohammad Fazlur Rahman Khan Ibne Saidur Rahman Choudhury Pasha."

From that day on, whenever people ask Bond of his name, he simply replies James Bond ...... Well at least in Bangladesh he does.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 09:34
Brilliant Tizer
I love the humour for Lexophiles.
GAK


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2010 : 11:26
Thanks Gak, it was the `linoleum blownapart' that clinched it for me!

Listened to West Country comic Pam Ayres on the radio taking about cycling. She said she'd bought a pair of `those shorts made of chamois leather' and said (in her west country accent) "At least if I don't feel like cycling oi can take `em off and wash the windows".


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