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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Bigmalk
Regular Member


222 Posts
Posted - 29/11/2008 : 23:05


Sorry near the mark.

Bit too near, some of the ladies complained BM. Besides, remember that kids log onto the site.  S.


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Bigmalk
Regular Member


222 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2008 : 10:21
Apologies all round i consider my wrist slapped.


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2008 : 10:41
I didn't see the offending post but I'm glad that S is keeping control - it would be a shame to spoil such a fun thread.

Malk, your penalty is to come up with a really good clean joke!  lolol


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2008 : 15:19
It isn't a biggy Malk, we all slip up at times. One of the ladies flagged it up and I think she was right to do so...... 


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
GSB
New Member


47 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2008 : 16:17
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 10/01/2009 : 18:32
An Incredible Story Worth the read... In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.  The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.  The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.  Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.  Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.  Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.  As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.  The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.  Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.  He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.  The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.




Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 06:00
Sounds a bit dodgy to me Kev. Many years ago I read a book called 'Elephant Bill'. by J H Williams and he tells a very similar story about an elephant he lanced an abscess. Difference is when he net it again it recognised him but didn't harm him. (never forget a book....)


Stanley Challenger Graham




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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 08:44
Well first off, the guy was just a little bit silly to go into the enclosure, but you really had me going there Big Kev, so much so that I forgot I was on the Jokes Topic.  I was expecting a different outcome and therefore thinking 'Oh what a wonderful story, aren't elephants wonderful' , then you pulled me up short for a second or two there.  Belief is restored,  I still love elephants. 

Edited by - Cathy on 11/01/2009 08:46:57 AM


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 12:00


quote:
Cathy wrote:
Well first off, the guy was just a little bit silly to go into the enclosure, but you really had me going there Big Kev, so much so that I forgot I was on the Jokes Topic.  I was expecting a different outcome and therefore thinking 'Oh what a wonderful story, aren't elephants wonderful' , then you pulled me up short for a second or two there.  Belief is restored,  I still love elephants. 

Edited by - Cathy on 11/01/2009 08:46:57 AM

Good job someone was looking at the subject title...............



Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
gus
Regular Member


704 Posts
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 13:17
The Iraqi footballer
The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. 
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
 Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in
 English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the
 street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' 
The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,
 ‘It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!’ 



Gus

http://www.flickr.com/photos/angusbrennan/
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Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 11/01/2009 : 14:13
Nice one Gus... is it a true story like Kev's ?  Nolic


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 12/01/2009 : 07:09
'Elephant Bill' is still a good story. See also Daniel in the lion's den.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 24/01/2009 : 22:47
BEST SHORT JOKE OF THE YEAR?

  A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.  
 
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains'?  
 
'Not yet', she replied.



Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2009 : 05:28
Ah Kev, the old ones are always the best. here's an old one for you...

A bloke is walking down the beach and his dog which is the ugliest old rag bag you have ever seen  and finds a bottle that's been washed up. the bloke picksit up and draws the stopper and a cloud of smoke issues forth and solidifies into a big bloke with a turrban.  "I am the genie of the bottle, you have released me from a thousnad years of captivity, ask any wish and I will grant it!" The bloke says "Make my dog handsome enough to win Crufts" The genie looks at the dog and says "Have a heart, I can grant wishes but that would be a miracle!" So the bloke says  "all right. Can you arrange for Tranmere to win the cup?" The genie thought for a minute and said "I;ll tell you what, let's have another look at that dog,"


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Julie in Norfolk
Senior Member


1632 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2009 : 08:49
Good one Stanley. I never hear any jokes clean enough to put here.


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