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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Bruff
Regular Member


479 Posts
Posted - 14/01/2011 : 12:50
This is apparently doing the school playgrounds - I heard it from my friends' 12-year old.

 
''Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?'
'Because he said he wouldn't''

 
Richard Broughton



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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 15/01/2011 : 01:20


quote:
GAK wrote:
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

We use an electric girdle to make pancakes, tattie scones and mixed grills


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 16/01/2011 : 11:04
GAK, thanks for the very funny church lady stories! I've copied it to my father-in-law who gets a bit depressed with the health challenges of being in his 80s and needs cheering up.


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Sunray10
Regular Member


557 Posts
Posted - 16/01/2011 : 16:58
I don't know whether this is already on but this my joke. What do you get when you drop a piano on a major. Answer A flat major. Te he he.


R.Spencer. Go to Top of Page
BenR
Regular Member


200 Posts
Posted - 20/01/2011 : 14:59

Subject: IQ test... 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? 

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down. 





The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. 


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? 



 



Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. 


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend .... Except one.  Which animal does not attend? 





Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. 


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? 






Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.





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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 20/01/2011 : 16:56
Good one Ben!  Barry Cryer was interviewed on the radio yesterday and was asked to relate his best parrot joke. It went something like this...

A lady went into a pet shop and said she wanted to buy a parrot. The man showed her some and she chose one she liked but he pointed out that it tended to use bad language because it had lived at a brothel previously. She decided to take a risk and bought the parrot and its cage.

When she got home she took the cover off the cage and the parrot said "Nice place!"

Her two daughters came in and it said "Lovely girls!"

Then her husband came home and the parrot said "Hello Keith!"


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2011 : 04:53
Tiz, I was listening to the same programme and came on the topic to post the same joke. The old ones are the best!


Stanley Challenger Graham




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tripps
Senior Member


1404 Posts
Posted - 21/01/2011 : 08:57
Speaking of giraffes in boxes  try this old favourite.   Jimmy James with Roy Castle as straight man plus of course Our Eli. Click here.


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 22/01/2011 : 03:32
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 24/01/2011 : 11:39
Sorry if we've had some or all of these before!

Puns for Educated Minds
   
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.  Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.  I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.  A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.  A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy,  it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.  A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'   

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.    No pun in ten did.

Edited by - Tizer on 24/01/2011 11:40:53


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2011 : 06:44
Tiz, I think you should get out more! Get some work done!


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2011 : 10:08
You'll have to tell Mrs Tiz's father, he supplied the puns! (She's inherited the gene for punning too.)


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catgate
Senior Member


1764 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2011 : 10:52
Splendid.

Not enough of this form of insanity around these days.


Every silver lining has a cloud.


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Sunray10
Regular Member


557 Posts
Posted - 25/01/2011 : 21:16
What did the biscuit say when he got to the other side of the busy road - Oh crumbs.


R.Spencer. Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 26/01/2011 : 09:57
Must have been crackers!


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