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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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HerbSG
Senior Member


1185 Posts
Posted - 11/03/2011 : 22:54
3 nuns killed in a serious auto accident arrive at the gates to heaven and are greeted by St Peter, he explains that entry is gained by answering a question correctly...he asks the novice "who was the first man on earth?", she answers ADAM, he tells her to go ahead in, the second nun is asked "who was the first women?" and she passes by answering EVE, the question for the mother superior "what were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam?"  Thinking she said "my thats a hard one". St Peter replied thats right go on in.


HERB


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 13/03/2011 : 02:15
Those of you who have, at some time, been sitting in the doctor's, dentist's waiting room or similar, must surely have picked up a copy of the Reader's Digest to have a quick read and are no doubt familiar with the jokes, cartoons and short stories. Here, at laughs.rd.com, you can enjoy a smorgasbord.




This one is not from Reader's Digest ...... Well, not that I know of

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss the boy's use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal:

‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

(You're going to love the Dad's reply)
...
...
...
...
...

His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 13/03/2011 : 07:59
Nice ones gearce. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/03/2011 : 16:46
Another joke from father-in-law...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied,"You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a Sapper," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."

The man below responded, "You must be an Officer."

"I am", replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault."


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 19/03/2011 : 08:14


Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump.

The price of Gas Versus Printer Ink
Think a gallon of gas is expensive. This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

These comparisons are NOT made to imply that gasoline is cheap ...... Just to llustrate how outrageously priced all things have become when compared with gasoline.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35.. $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 . $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ......$84.48 per gallon

And the REAL KICKER is ....

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! ...... $21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.

Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? ...... So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at (you won't believe it....but it is true.....)$5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
 
P.S.    Yes it's from the internet but would you have looked it up?



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 20/03/2011 : 01:42
Here's a couple more ...... The first is from the daily newspaper and the second is from an email which I received this morning.




A WOMAN screeched her
car into the driveway and
ran into the house.
She slammed the door
and shouted at the top of
her lungs: "Honey, pack
your bags. I won the
lottery."
"Oh my God," he said.
"What should I pack?
Beach stuff? Warm
clothes?"
"Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get out."

oooOOOooo

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 17/04/2011 : 11:14
 Click for bigger image

John's weather forecasting stone


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 18/04/2011 : 06:38
Tiz, bit like the piece of string for the donkey's tail. Still a good one.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 20/04/2011 : 02:22
A woman walks into the benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?'

 'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
 
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
 'OK,  and who's next?'
 'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.'

The  social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.  One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the case worker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
 
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' and they all come running.'  If I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and  says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE  kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'   

'I call them by their surnames!'


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 20/04/2011 : 09:05
Nice one Gearce!

I wrote the following on the `Attention' thread but then realised there are members who probably don't look at it, so here goes...

Ah, parish council - I am about to diverge from the main stream of this discussion but can't resist telling you about old Bill who was on the parish council committee for our village until his death. He was an eccentric and clever character who dressed in wellies and wore a pair of socks on his hands in lieu of gloves. At each meeting he would halt progress while he handed round polo mints to everyone including the spectators. One evening two policemen arrived to present some information before the committee meeting which was held in the small village school. Instead of parking at the pub and walking across the road to the meeting they demanded that they be allowed to park their car in the school grounds. Someone had to go off and acquire a key to open the gates which inevitably took a long time (it always does in villages) and prompted some grumbling among the committee members.

At the end of the meeting the policemen returned to their car to find Bill standing four square in front of the vehicle. They asked him to move but he said "You can't go out on the road in this car, one of the sidelights is not working". After verifying Bill's claim they thanked him and made to move - but Bill, a big man, barred the way. They argued that the light was OK when they left the police station but Bill was not convinced by this trickery. The argument continued for some time and the policemen found themselves regretting having asked to park in the school grounds. Eventually Bill allowed them to go but with a final warning: "If I find you again with a light out on your car I'll make a citizen's arrest on the spot!"

Nobody ever did find out for sure whether the policemen were telling the truth - or had some gremlin tampered with the car?


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 02:09
On the Public Address system:

'Cleanup on aisle 25. We have a husband down!!!.' 

Husband Down 

A husband and wife are shopping when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies. 
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. 
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price.'
 
He never knew what hit him.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 09/05/2011 : 11:28
Saw this on childrens' tshirts for sale. 

      For Sale
       Parents
      Buy One
  Get One Free          Surprised


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 12/05/2011 : 09:30
Bought my wife a Memory Stick, now she dose'nt forget my meals, beer, or sex

Ireland have sent three ships to help the attack on Libyia, 2 full of sand, 1 full of cement, it is intended to be a mortar attack

the wife asked me if she still pleased me in bed, i said,  i love the trick you do with your mouth , what trick is that,she asked, the one where you close it and stop nagging

the Japanese have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they recently sent, they said, they were delicious

Fernando Torres walks into a bar, i'll have a couple of shots, thats not like you says the barman


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 12/05/2011 : 11:03

What sort of mood are you in Bodger??  Surprised


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 12/05/2011 : 12:35
All good ones Bodger. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
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