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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 16/02/2010 : 06:47
Two flies are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other: "You're going to have to have to do a lot better than that if you want to play in the cup."


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 28/02/2010 : 11:10
This one came via my father-in-law... 

A FORENSIC DILEMMA, A MURDER MYSTERY - a very interesting oldie.

A true story from Associated Press...

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even "Law & Order" would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate !!!! Yes! it's a true story

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.

Thus the story: --------

On March 23, 1994...... The medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the 9th floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the 8th floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

'Ordinarily,' Dr Mills continued, 'Someone who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.' That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a "homicide" on his hands. The room on the 9th floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr Opus.

When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.' When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It also transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist:

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the 9th story window.

The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 06/03/2010 : 01:02
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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lp
New Member


4 Posts
Posted - 06/03/2010 : 12:28
host answers the door at his fancy dress party and there stands a completely naked man with a girl dressed as a French maid on his back-

Host  :-what the ....?

Man  :- I've come as a tortoise 

Host  :-and what about her?

Man  :-oh - this is Michelle



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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 07/03/2010 : 00:05
Aussie Men

Only a Aussie man can make you feel like a woman ........  

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
 
One woman lost it completely.
 
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die,"
she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me
feel like a WOMAN?"
 
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman
in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.
 
He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...
 
Then, he spoke...


 
"Iron this -- and then get me a beer."


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 07/03/2010 : 07:36
Nice one gearce. I appreciated that. Nolic


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Dan
New Member


33 Posts
Posted - 11/03/2010 : 19:11
A bit crude but oh well :P

 Two men are on an island when they are capture by a tribe of cannibles. They take them back to camp and ready a huge cooking pot to put them in. They say to the men....

"If you bring us a basket full of fruit from this island we may consider sparing your lives"

So the men run off with their baskets. An hour later one man returns with a basket full of strawberries. The tribes man says.....

"If you can put all these up your bum without making a sound we will spare you life"

So the man starts, and without making a sound gets to the very last strawberry and burst out laughing.

"Why you laugh when you nearly finished" says the tribes man.

"I've just seen my friend come over the hill with a basket full of coconuts" say the man.



"Everyday is a gift, thats why they call it the present."
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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 23/03/2010 : 16:24
My father-in-law passed this on.

From Forest and Wye Valley Review 12 March 2010
DOG WALKERS URGED TO WATCH FOR LAMBS
Dog owners using Forest woodland for walks are being asked to keep a close eye on their pets during the lambing season. Commoners' Secretary Mr Mick Holder said there had already been a couple of minor incidents.

"Fortunately so far there has been nothing serious.  A couple of ewes with lambs have been chased out of the woods creating obvious dangers.  Heavily pregnant ewes can also be seriously threatened by dogs" he said.

"Mr Holder said it would be appreciated if dog walkers who spotted sheep at this time would put them on leads."


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/04/2010 : 09:37
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. 
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.... 
'Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground...'  
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'  

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 18/04/2010 : 10:30
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, 'I clocked you at 110kph sir.'  The driver says, 'Goodness officer, I had it on cruise control at 80.  Perhaps your radar gun needs re-calibrating.'  Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'  As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?'  The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'  As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'For crying out loud woman.  Shut up!'  The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt sir, that's an automatic $270.00 fine.'  The driver says, 'Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'  The wife says, 'Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you're driving, plus you don't have a driver's licence.'  And as the police officer is writing out the third and fourth ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'Why don't you keep your loud mouth shut?'  The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way ma'am?
The wife then states (I love this part... ), 'Only when he's been drinking.'  Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 19/04/2010 : 04:49
Nice one Cathy ...... I like it.




LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
BenR
Regular Member


200 Posts
Posted - 19/04/2010 : 08:41
I was out cycling on my bike on Saturday when I was hit on the head by a frozen pizza and some sausage rolls. 

My buddy told me it was fallout from Iceland. 

 


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marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 19/04/2010 : 10:40
Whilst on holidays at an exotic resort, a young German man met an eye-popping English blonde woman. After enjoying each others company for several days, he proposed marriage, and requested it occur straight away.
'But we hardly know each other' replied the blonde.
'We have the rest of our lives to discover all there is to know about each other' he replied.
So the wedding went ahead the very next day.
Several days later, they were relaxing by the pool and she was stunned to see her new husband climb the highest diving board, jump an incredible height into the air, complete a triple twist and cut into the water on such a knife's edge that not a drop of water was splashed.
'Wow!' she said 'I didn't know you were a preofessional diver.'
'Yes, I was a world champion actually' he responded ' but I said that we would discover things about each other after our marriage didn't I?'
His wife immediately got up and jumped in the pool, swam seventy five laps and climbed out....not even breathless.
'So you were an olympic swimmer then? he asked
'No....I was a prostitute in London....and I used to work both sides of the Thames.'


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 20/04/2010 : 03:51
Good one Marilyn.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
HCF
Regular Member


64 Posts
Posted - 01/05/2010 : 10:02
The only cow in a small town in Australia stopped giving milk. The townsfolk found they could buy a cow in China quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from China and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in China?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from China.

"You are truly a wise vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow in China?

The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from China"



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