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BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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 Posted - 25/10/2011 : 04:59
A funny woman and a good programme, never miss it if I can help.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk  |
Tizer
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Posted - 25/10/2011 : 11:22
A contribution from my father-in-law..."This chap who was away on business dreamt that his wife was being unfaithful so he flew home, by helicopter."
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 26/10/2011 : 06:03
Tell your dad that the old ones are still the best!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Bodger
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Posted - 31/10/2011 : 09:09
At a local wedding here in Ireland, the master of ceremonies asked all the men to stand next to the one person that had made their life worth living
the barman was nearly crushed to death
"You can only make as well as you can measure"
Joseph Whitworth
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 01/11/2011 : 06:27
That is definitely an Irish joke!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Tizer
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Posted - 01/11/2011 : 16:25
Bodge, do the Irish joke about the state of their economy or is it beyond bounds?
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gearce
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Posted - 08/11/2011 : 02:03
A couple touring the UK arrived in the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decided to have lunch. They were intrigued by the name so, after ordering and being served, the man asked "Can you pronounce where we are?"
"Burr ... gurr ... King," came the reply.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  |
Bruff
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Posted - 08/11/2011 : 09:58
''Barman says: We don't serve time travellers in here, Sir................................................
................Bloke walks into a pub''.
Richard Broughton
Edited by - Bruff on 08/11/2011 09:59:21 AM
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 09/11/2011 : 05:44
Clever! I had to think for a second or two!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Tizer
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Posted - 09/11/2011 : 10:39
It's a variant on Tripps' earlier neutrino joke...or was it really later?
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 10/11/2011 : 05:45
I felt like that watching the TV programme about Heisenberg and Bohr last night. Talk about having to concentrate to keep up! It's an Alice in Wonderlad world when you get into Quantum Physics!
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Bradders
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Posted - 10/11/2011 : 22:07
OK it's an old one but I was reminded of it today....so here goes....
Chap from Nelson's wife dies at a ripe old age , and he goes to the stone mason to commission a headstone...
"She was a believer so I want you to put "She Was Thine" on her stone "
A week later he goes to the graveyard and looks in horror at the inscription....." She was Thin" it said....
In high dudgeon he marches into the masons emporium shouting ..."You forgot the "E""....and so on. He recieves an abject apology and an assurance that the mistake would be corrected forthwith...
The next day he goes to see if they had done as promised and the Gravestone read .....
"Eee She Was Thin "
BRADDERS BLUESINGER |
gearce
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Posted - 17/11/2011 : 02:35
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this...)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS
Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this stuff, I receive it from one of my other warped friends and then send it on to you.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Tizer
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Posted - 05/12/2011 : 09:43
Rabbi Lionel Blue on Radio 4's Today programme this morning, relating Jewish light bulb jokes.
How many men does it take to replace a light bulb? Two, one to replace the bulb and the other to tell him how to do it better.
How many psychotherapists does it take to replace a light bulb? One, as long as it wants to change.
How many mother-in-laws does it take to replace a light bulb? None - "I'll just sit here in the dark".
Edited by - Tizer on 05/12/2011 15:31:49
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart
36804 Posts
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Posted - 06/12/2011 : 05:47
I heard him as well Tiz. Lionel is failing and it's sad to realise this. A brave and funny man.
Stanley Challenger Graham
Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk |
Know any good clean Jokes
