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andydiamond
Hairy Horologist


424 Posts
Posted -  20/08/2004  :  19:35

Tarmac Tales Part 2.

The background to these true stories is covered in part 1,
“And then they say there is a God”

It is Friday, we all like Friday ‘cos we get paid. ( I use the term loosely, we used to get £15 for the week, and our dinners in the nearest chippy.)

I like Friday because we kick the weekend off in the George and Dragon then move on to the “Imp” in search of further excitement - - -

A.J. likes Friday because he goes up the El Tropicano Club playing Blackjack and Poker, we found out many years later that he thought nothing of winning or losing £500 in a night! - - - - A lot of money in 1968.

Colne Ron likes Friday because he can pay off his bar bill in the E----- A----( Ron, like everybody else in these stories, was a real person, and I want to keep his identity secret ) - - -and having paid off his bar bill he can start a whole new weeks drinking on the slate !!

Hapton Billy likes Friday because, as he so succinctly expressed it – “ I go down Padiham on Friday night and blow the lot on a few beers and a mucky woman”
Billy was young and single at the time, and probably still is ( well, single anyway)
Due to his unfortunate habit of going out on the town still wearing his Donkey Jacket and Tarmac covered Wellies !

So, here we are, Friday at last - - Actually the Friday following Colne Rons debacle with the roller on Monday - - - -But, and it’s a big but, It’s still bloody raining !
It has rained all week, pausing for breath in the evenings, then getting stuck in again every day.
It is coming down sideways now, with lumps in, as only Rossendale rain can, and we have taken shelter in one of the empty houses being renovated by the Council.

Like many of the other houses on the estate, there are no doors or windows in, but the roof is still on, Billy has lit a big fire in the lounge fireplace, and we are all huddled round trying to dry out.
There is no work going on as the whole site is a quagmire so deep and sticky that the Council’s cement mixer has sunk into the ooze and vanished, and Barrowford Jack swears that there are two cows and a dead elephant in the bottom of the largest puddle! ( of course we don’t believe him, this is Rawtenstall and anything animal and stationary would have been eaten before it fell into a hole)

Anyway, around eleven a.m. A.J. started to look round for something to do to liven things up a bit, and strolled outside towards the roller. As the rest of us were re-living Ron’s Monday Masterpiece for the umpteenth time Albert strolled back into the house,
Casually swinging the petrol can for the roller. He wandered past Ron (or “no-start” as he was now christened) and made sure that Ron saw that the screw-on cap was missing from the can.
Turning his back on Ron, and facing the rest of us A.J. then firmly screwed the cap back on the can, looked from us to the door, and placed the can on the fire.

There then followed a mad scramble for the door, where we all got jammed cartoon-style for a couple of seconds before running outside to stand well back in the pouring rain. - - - -All of us except Colne Ron that is, for despite years of evidence to the contrary, Ron considered himself an educated man who knew his physics, and he knew that an unsealed container containing a small amount of petrol would just let out a spout of flame and nothing else - - - - - - - -

“ You had better come out Ron “ called A.J., beginning to suffer a belated pang of conscience for what he had done, “ there is petrol in that can. “
Ron was no lemon, he was inside warm and dry, looking out at us lot stood in the rain
And it was at that moment he shouted his immortal phrase, which I will remember forever - - - - “ SO WHAT, IT WON’T EXPLODE “

Half a second dragged by, then BBBOOOOOMMMMM !!! sheets of flame flew out of the door and window, followed by debris, ash and bits of burning firewood.
A deathly silence fell on everybody, we just stood and stared at the smoking house,
Billy broke the spell saying “ Albert, you’ve just bloody killed him !”
At that moment, a ragged , ash covered stick like figure flew out of the door, and did the most peculiar clog dance I have ever seen as he frantically tried to remove both wellies at once. Then for the second time that week Colne Ron threw himself in a big puddle and rolled about in it - - - -

As it turned out later on, after we all joined in a fruitless search for his pipe, and Albert had to buy him a new one, he was covered in bits of burning wood stuck to his clothes and a big ember had gone down his right welly - - - - - - - - -

Health and Safety at Work ?? Please, this is the late 60’s Innit ?






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