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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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BenR
Regular Member


200 Posts
Posted - 05/02/2010 : 13:01
If the Pope shops on Ebay, does he pay with Papal?


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 06/02/2010 : 11:00
No Ben, the Pope doesn't use Ebay anymore, he got banned. Some bloke called Henry Tudor reported an invalid transaction and gave the Pope bad feedback.


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 06/02/2010 : 16:31
Sandy Toksvig recons the Pope's email is pope16@hotmail.com. She says that 15 other people registered as Pope before him.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 06/02/2010 : 17:09
Heard that! And the notice "Cancelled, sorry for any incontinence".


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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 06/02/2010 : 22:09
Not really funny, Frank, but certainly very much "to the point". I like them!
GAK


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 07/02/2010 : 01:21
A Lovely Story
 
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch

But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.


THE END.

================================================================================

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other


Tiger Woods

================================================================================

Senior Health Care Solution.

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 07/02/2010 : 08:35
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.  After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.  But he was captured nearby when his van ran out of fuel.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. 
    I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 07/02/2010 : 10:33
Very clever Cath, all that heat must be going to your head! There was a Tommy Cooper impersonator on the radio last night and he related a Cooper joke:

I was cleaning our my loft and I found a painting and a violin, so I thought they might worth something and took them to an auction house to be valued. The man looked at them and said "You've got a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius there. Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a hopeless painter and Rembrandt couldn't play the violin!"

He also related a true story told to him by a friend of Tommy Cooper. Cooper and friend were on holiday in Morocco and they visted the market in one of the towns. There was a stall selling fezs (what's the plural of fez?) and as they walked past it the stallholder picked up a fez, put it on his head and said "Hahaha!" Cooper, thinking the man was taking the mickey, asked him "Why did you do that?" "Because all Englishmen who pass my stall do that", said the man "...and you are the first one not to do it!"


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 07/02/2010 : 23:43
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other


Tiger Woods


...... And John Terry (England captain) too?


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 10/02/2010 : 18:50

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child

   Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

   These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,

   It takes the prize.

     

1.  Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was

fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father

of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same  night. 

2.  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of  my child as I was

being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from  behind. I

can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at  the

      party if this helps.

  

3.  I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was      

conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue  where I had unprotected sex

      with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good

      that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you

      send me his phone number? Thanks.

  

   4. I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives

      a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door

      panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and               

      see if he's had it  replaced.

   5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the

      Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he

      is Christ risen again.

  

   6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that

      To do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic

      implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right

      by you and right by the  country. Please advise.

  

   7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies

      look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 

   8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,

      can you ask him what he did with my  AC/DC CDs? 

   9.   From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro

        Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

  

   10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for        

       sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs  earlier in the evening.        

       If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the     

       party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

  

   11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when     

       you eat a can of beans you can't be sure  which one made you fart.


Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page

GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 12/02/2010 : 08:46
This is a true story about a gents hairdresser called Doug who used to have a shop close to the station level crossing at Earby.
One of my mate's, who had a fair crop of hair, sat down in the chair and asked for an estimate.
Quick as a flash, Doug answered " half a dollar an acre"
I thought it was pretty good.
GAK


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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 12/02/2010 : 09:17

Big Kev, I wonder how many of them actually received child support, pity the kids hearing these stories later too.  They are just as unbelievable as some insurance claims I've read.   :-)


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 12/02/2010 : 11:06
Dougie was a real character. He used to cut my hair when I was threatened with Saturday morning detention at school because of the length.
 He was also very good at writing testimonials and I used him as a referee for my university applications. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 12/02/2010 : 11:37
Nolic, I didn't realise you did a hairdressing degree at university!


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 14/02/2010 : 04:34
Here's a couple I thought you might like.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either ... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (look of utter and total amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager (instantly): "The sheep's a liar."

============================================================================

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
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