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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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swifty
Regular Member


275 Posts
Posted - 28/11/2009 : 19:57
two lions walking down the front at blackpool ,one  turns to his mate and says quite isnt it,    


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 29/11/2009 : 00:01
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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BenR
Regular Member


200 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2009 : 11:08
A white horse walks in to a bar and asks for a whisky.

"Hey!" says the barman, "We've got a whisky that's named after you!"

The horse looks puzzled and replies: "What.... Eric?"

 

 

 


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BenR
Regular Member


200 Posts
Posted - 30/11/2009 : 11:20
Radio conversation overheard in the North Atlantic:

American accent: "This is the USS Nimitz calling unidentified vessel; request that you change course."

English accent: "Regret cannot change course, Nimitz"

American: "This is the USS Nimitz, we request that you change course immediately."

English: "Regret this is not possible."

American: "This is the USS Nimitz, a large nuclear-powered aircraft carrier, we request that you change course immediately in order to avoid a collision!"

English: "Regret that we canot change course."

American: "This is the USS Nimitz, the biggest and most powerful aircraft carrier in the world. We require you to change course immediately in order to avoid a collision."

English: "Regret we cannot change course."

American: "Small vessel please identify yourself!"

English: "We are a lighthouse." 

 

 


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 01/12/2009 : 02:23
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight ...... They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won they would be entitled to dominate the world ...... The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves ...... They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk ...... They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen ...... It's cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal ...... It was a nine foot long Dachshund ...... Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog ...... The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund ...... But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite ...... There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief ...... "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", the Americans replied, "we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 01/12/2009 : 08:34

Tizer, loved your last post, very good.  Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 01/12/2009 : 09:24
Thanks Cathy, I have to admit it appealed to me when I received it!


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 01/12/2009 : 16:51
I can remember in my soldiering days in Berlin when we fully expected trouble to start any minute in 1954 we weighed the opposition up and soon decided that if we had to decide who we wanted on our side it was the Russians. Unfortunatley this wasn't part of military thinking. The only campaign that impresses me as far as the US is concerned in terms of effectiveness was the war in the Pacific in WW2. I can't for the life of me think of any other time when they started something and finished it. Harsh I know but if you can put me straight go ahead. I can remember the victory celebrations after the war and there was never a mention of the fact that it was Russia which bled the Germans white and lost 35,000,000 lives in the process. Even today there is very little recognition of this.


Stanley Challenger Graham




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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 03/12/2009 : 05:18
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse ...... She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital ...... She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, "Picabo, ICU".


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

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marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 03/12/2009 : 09:00
A little boy is staying a Nana's for the week and returns after playing with the next door neighbour's child.
'Nana' he asks 'what is it called when two people sleep in the same bed...one on top of the other?'
Nana, who always believed that if a child is old enough to ask -they are old enough to know, took a deep breath and answered 'It is called sexual intercourse, sweetie.'
The child seemed satisfied with the answer and ran off next door to continue playing.
A short time later he returned.
'Nana' he said 'you are such a kidder. It is called BUNK BEDS'.


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
moh
Silver Surfer


6860 Posts
Posted - 09/12/2009 : 11:34
It's tough being a fairy, up where the tinsel glitters;
They put a gold wand in your hand, and a fir tree up your knickers!!

An older man shopping in Asda approached an attractive young woman.
'Excuse me' he said 'I can't find my wife, may I talk to you for a couple of minutes?'
'Certainly' she replied. 'Do you know where she might be?'
I'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a fgure like yours, she appears'

A man was sitting watching TV when his wife's voice from the kitchen said ' What would you like for dinner love? Chicken, beef or lamb?'
He said' I'll. have chicken'.
She replied ' Not you, you're having left over soup I was talking to the cat'



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moh
Silver Surfer


6860 Posts
Posted - 09/12/2009 : 11:43
Christmas tradition.
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't.
Santa was really annoyed,  It was Christmas Eve and nothing was going right.
Mrs Claus had burnt all the cookies, the Elves were complaining about not getting paid overtime, and the reindeer had been partying all afternnon and were falling over drunk.
They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree!  I sent that stupid fairy out hours ago to find a tree and she isn't even back yet!  What am I going to do?"
Just then the little fairy opened the door and stepped in from the snow' dragging a Christmas tree, and says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick this tree?"
And thus began the Christmas tradition of a fairy sitting on top of the tree!!!

(Curtesy of The Local Herald)

Edited by - moh on 09/12/2009 11:44:48 AM


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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 09/12/2009 : 11:56
Thanks Moh, loved them, had a good chuckle.

The first 2 liner one reminds me of Pam Ayres. 

lolol


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 09/12/2009 : 23:18
I smiled last night while watching 'Mother and Son' (a comedy from the 80's). The mother, who has dementia, goes to the bank with some very old pension cheques that she has been squirrelling away in her teapot for years. They are very wet when she presents them to the teller (because someone used the teapot) . Because of age and condition of the pension cheques, the teller needs proof of identity, so the Mother reaches in her bag and brings out an old photo saying 'Well this was taken a few years ago...but that is me on the left.'

I cracked up. So simple...so funny.


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 10/12/2009 : 02:40
Good ones Moh.

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage ...... It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae dae that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
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