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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/11/2010 : 08:58
Didn't know whether to put this in Poetry or here ...... But I decided here

POEM WRITTEN FOR COMPUTERS

<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

For the somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 19/11/2010 : 05:21
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

"Have you any grounds?"

"Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."

"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It made of concrete."

"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a carport, and not need one."

"I mean, what are your relations like?"

"All my relations still in Poland."

"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."

"Does your wife beat you up?"

"No, I always up before her."

"Is your wife a nagger?"

"No, she white."

"Why do you want this divorce?"

"She is going to kill me."

"What makes you think that?"

"I got proof."

"What kind of proof?"

"She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: 'Polish Remover'."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 20/11/2010 : 12:27
Hmmm...but I liked the computer poem!

The following is not a joke but a story from a book I'm reading called `Fly Navy' which relates tales told by RNAS pilots flying from aircraft carriers between 1945 and 2000. It's supposed to be a true story.

Pilots generally flew their `own' aircraft. On landing, one of them was asked by the ground crew chief, "Everything OK Sir?".

"No, Chief", said the pilot "Radio's not working". The Chief checked it.

After the next flight, "All OK, sir?"

"No, radio still not working", said the pilot, so the Chief checked again.

Once again, after the next flight, "Radio working OK sir?".

"No! It's useless", said the pilot, irritated.

"I think the problem", said the Chief, "must lie between the headphones..."


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 21/11/2010 : 07:10
My mate David Moore had the same problem during his flying days. When he eventually found the airfield and landed he couldn't understand why everyone was laughing. Then he realised he had his helmet on back to front so the earphones weren't next to his ears!


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 27/11/2010 : 05:21
This arrived by mail this morning;

 
  There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
 
 One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
 
 The letter read:
 
 Dear God,
 
 I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
 
 Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
 
 Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.. Can you please help me?
 
 Sincerely, Edna
 
 The postal worker was touched.. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
 
 By the time he made the rounds, he had collected \u00a396, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
 
 
 The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
 
 Christmas came and went.
 
  A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
 
  All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
 
 It read:
 
 Dear God,
 
 How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
 
  Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
 
 By the way, there was £4 missing.
 
  I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office.
 
 Sincerely, Edna


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 27/11/2010 : 11:38
When honesty is not the best policy...

I was fighting with my computer, so I did the obvious - called in one of the kids.  He tapped away at the keyborad for a minute and sorted out the problem.  "So what caused it?" I asked.  "Oh, just an old Task Warning IT error", he said breezily.  "Meaning!" I demanded.  "Jot down the initials," he grinned, disappearing to the video console in his room.

I did:   "Old TWIT".    Said it all, I suppose!    (Duncan Shoesmith)


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 28/11/2010 : 06:26
I like it Cath! I had a TWIT just as I was finishing the last book. I was merrily adding pics to a 150mb text file when it suddenly refused to accept key strokes. A moment of panic, a ten minute dig and I found I had mistakenly entered a Ctrl +? keystroke that had made the doc 'read only'. Big sigh of relief and mental note.....


Stanley Challenger Graham




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stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 15:27
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'


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belle
VIP Member


6502 Posts
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 15:56
Came home today to find all the doors and windows open and everything gone!

What kind of sicko would do that to an advent calander?


Life is what you make itGo to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 16:05
Something went wrong with the anti-matter experiments at the Hadron Collider when Father Christmas got stuck in the big tunnel thinking it was a chimney. The result was Father Anti-Chistmas and he goes around taking away people's presents.


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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 14/12/2010 : 16:21
After my mediocre joke just above I listened to the Infinite Monkey Cage on Radio 4 (yes, there really is a programme with that title) and heard Alexei Sayle saying that he was brought up in a Marxist environment, so much so that he believed it was Lenin who came down the chimney at Christmas and he redistributed the presents!


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Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 14/12/2010 : 16:31
Missed the Father Xmas one first time round - very much a scientists joke. Like the Lenin bit. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 14/12/2010 : 16:46
Mother and little daughter are visiting grandad in hospital, when they arrive the daughter dashes in in in advance of her mother, upon reaching grandad she says ' grandad, make a noise like a frog'

grandad 'why'

grandaughter, ' grandma says when you croak shes taking us all to Disneyland'


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 04/01/2011 : 03:06
How's this?
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears...'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!

SCREW THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK &TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!
GAK



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GAK
Regular Member


133 Posts
Posted - 14/01/2011 : 10:55
The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us be thankful for church ladies with typewriters 
 
--------------------------
Next weekend's "Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby" includes all meals.  
--------------------------

Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'
Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

 -------------------------- 
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 
   
Smile at someone who is hard to love. 
Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. 

--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 
-------------------------- 

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation
 .
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
 --------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir They need all the help they can get.

 --------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 --------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 --------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 
 
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility
.
 --------------------------
Pot luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------- 

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------
This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-------------------------- 

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 pm. Please use the back door.

 --------------------------
The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 pm. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance 

--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!'



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