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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 05/11/2009 : 20:41
On the Radio 4 News Quiz the other week someone said that Ryanair was going to take over Royal Mail..."You'll be able to send a letter for a penny...but you'll have to deliver it yourself!"


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 06:32
I heard that as well. Good programme, never miss it.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 06/11/2009 : 16:24
...and one of the panel was pointing out that you can't simply go out and privatise Royal Mail, it belongs to the Queen. Then he wondered what would be on the stamps if it were privatised - a picture of Richard Branson?


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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 09/11/2009 : 01:43
Here's a selection on how fights start

Wife sits down on the settee next to hubby as he was flipping channels ...... She asked, 'What's on TV?'

"Dust." said hubby

And then the fight started ......

******************************************

Saturday morning hubby got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage ...... He hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour ...... The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed ...... He cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ......

******************************************

Man rear-ended a car this morning ...... So, there they were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car ...... You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? ...... Yeah, well the man couldn't believe it ...... The other driver was a DWARF! ...... He stormed over to the man's car, looked up at him, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, the man looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started ......

*****************************************

Wife was hinting about what she wanted for their upcoming anniversary ...... She said, '"I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

Hubby bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started ......

******************************************

When hubby got home last night, his wife demanded that he take her some place expensive ...... So, he took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started ......

******************************************

Wife and hubby were sitting at a table at his school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

Wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," hubby sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started ......

*****************************************

Hubby took wife to a restaurant ...... The waiter, for some reason, took hubby's order first ...... "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." he said

Waiter said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started ......

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror ...... She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

Hubby replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started ......



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 09/11/2009 : 08:16
Very good Gearce, haven't heard any of them before.  Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 09/11/2009 : 11:25
Good one's gearce. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 10/11/2009 : 07:33
Very refreshing, it's not often I see jokes I haven't heard before. One of the consequences of getting older.


Stanley Challenger Graham




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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 07:42
While the iron's hot ......

Imagine a store where a woman may go to choose a husband ...... It is a condition of entry that:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband ...... On the first floor, the sign reads:-

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:-

Floor 2 - These men Have jobs and Love Kids.
"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." ...... So she continues upward, where the third floor sign reads:-

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going ...... She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:-

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" ...... Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:-

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:-

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.  There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 07:59
She was waiting for 'These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help With Housework,  Have a Strong Romantic Streak and are Rich!!' 

Well ... she's only being honest.  Wink

I would have stopped at 5th Floor, but don't need the Drop-dead Gorgeous guy,  instead I would have added Good Sense of Humour.

 


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Another
Traycle Mine Overseer


6250 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 08:17
Keep 'em coming gearce - brightens the day for my hard pressed staff when I send these out - they all think they originate from me and I have yet to point out the error in their thoughts. Nolic


" I'm a self made man who worships his creator" Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 08:26

Well aren't you a good boss Nolic, passing on abit of fun to everyone ... well done. 


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
Gloria
Senior Member


3581 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 14:53

Your Yearly Dementia Test 

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. 
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. 
 


Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. 
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?






Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else. 
Try not to hurt yourself.  If you said, bread, go to Question 2.




 


2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink





 


 

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.  However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3. 

 


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? 







 

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,'
why the hell are you still reading these? 
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4. 



 

 4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'? 


 


 


 

 Answer: You don't bury survivors. 
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question. 


 


 

 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.  In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading six people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on . In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. 
What was the name of the bus driver? 




 


 

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! 
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! 



Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.


p.s. 95% of people fail most of the questions!




I'd be dangerous with a brain!!!!!
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frankwilk
Senior Member


3975 Posts
Posted - 11/11/2009 : 19:20
The scene is Bishopbriggs Primary School , Glasgow.Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz.

The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday.'

Wee
Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I am. This is goanae be a doddle!'
Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Wee
Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.

Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front.

'Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.'

Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.'

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more determined.

Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee
Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know. Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'.

Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'

Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech.'

Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.'

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes.

He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation.

Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?'

Wee
Murray's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'.

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front.

'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent):

'Miss that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.'

Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.'

Wee
Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F@&£ DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@R*S COME FROM?'

Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?'
Wee
Murray grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannock burn , 1314.
See ye on Tuesday Miss!'




Frank Wilkinson       Once Navy Always Navy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 12/11/2009 : 00:02
Re the Husband Store:  IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT, to avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a new Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 13/11/2009 : 06:26
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
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