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BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
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portia
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 Posted - 14/11/2009 : 11:56
The CIA are interviewing candidates for the post of hitman and only 3 reach the final stage. The first candidate is given an gun and told that his wife is in the next room, tied to a chair. His mission is to go into the room and shoot her. He throws down the gun in horror and runs out.
The second candidate is given the gun and the same instructions. He hesitates and then, squaring his shoulders, marches into the next room, only to reappear seconds later to say that he couldn't go through with it.
The final candidate is a woman. They tell her that her husband is tied to a chair in the next room, give her the gun, and tell her that to prove her worth as an assassin she must go in and shoot him.
With a shaking hand she takes the gun and walks into the next room, closing the door behind her. Two shots follow, then a series of loud thuds.
Minutes late the woman reappears. "You b******s" she says. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks - I've had to beat him to death with a chair leg!"
Edited by - portia on 14/11/2009 11:57:17
If you can't fight, wear a big 'at  |
Tizer
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Posted - 14/11/2009 : 16:58
The Radio 4 News Quiz always has funny press cuttings. One this week was about a disabled man who parked using his Blue Badge but was fined by the council because his badge was not visible. He wrote to the council and appealed saying that his badge was on display in the windscreen but it has faded in the sun and is unreadable. The council wrote back telling him to "put his badge where the sun doesn't shine".
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gearce
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Posted - 16/11/2009 : 00:29
Important to Know Your Customers.
A disappointed salesman of a refresher drink returned from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained: "When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as our drink is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem. I couldn't speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters side by side …."
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand … totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our refresher.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place.
"Then that should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman, "I didn't realise that Arabs read from right to left"
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  |
lp
New Member
4 Posts
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Posted - 18/11/2009 : 17:45
gearce - if you still speak Scottishlandanian, perhaps you should read this out to everybody -
Jock (for it is he) in Glasgow baker's: - 'See that therrannat - is that a doughnut or a meringue?'
Assistant:- 'no ma deeerr - yer nae wrang - it's a doughnut'
lp |
wendyf
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Posted - 18/11/2009 : 18:12
Nice one lp, I lived in Scotland for 20 years yet it took me a wee while to understand.
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gearce
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 01:33
lp ...... I know the joke but some Glesca dialect (if indeed this is Glesca dialect - I can't find it anywhere) I can't decipher ...... Maybe 'therrannat' means 'there and that' ...... I don't know.
Perhaps, if we were to write Jock's question as it sounds to a Scotsman: 'See tha' therrannat - is tha' a doughnut ur um ah wrang?'
Assistant:- 'no ma deeerr - yer nae wrang - it's a doughnut'
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Cathy
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 04:56
Have we had this one before? ... no matter 
Son and daughter wanted to give their father something special for his 90th birthday, so they bought him a ticket to Miami to spend a week living it up. On his first night in his plush hotel, there was a knock at his door. He opened it to find a beautiful and rather scantilly dressed woman. She said 'I'm here to offer you Supersex'.
The old man thought for a moment then said 'I'll take the Soup thanks'.
All thru the fields and meadows gay .... Enjoy
Take Care...Cathy |
gearce
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 06:40
Good one Cathy
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Cathy
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 08:20
Should have said courtesy of Barbara Walters ... oh la la
All thru the fields and meadows gay .... Enjoy
Take Care...Cathy |
lp
New Member
4 Posts
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 12:38
You'll have to supply your own accent!
Taffy goes into the building site and up to the foreman -
I've come for the job as a handyman boyo, like it says on the board outside
F/man:- Oh, fine - are you any good as a chippie?
T:- Oh no man - couldn't saw in a straight line to save my life look
F/man:- Bit of plumbing maybe?
T:- Wouldn't know where to start man
F/man:- Electrics?
T:- Oooh - wouldn't go near them
F/man:- Brickwork?
T:- Only if you want your walls to fall down
F/man:- Maybe you could help the roofers then
T:- I can't do heights man
F/man:- You can't do anything! What the hell are you applying for a job as a handyman for?
T:- Well, I only live round the corner isn't it
lp |
tripps
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 13:07
I'm from Oldham, but I understood it..Spent too much time watching Rab C Nesbitt and Para Handy perhaps.
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gearce
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Posted - 19/11/2009 : 23:20
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat ...... He came across two men ...... One was sitting under a tree and reading a book and the other was typing away on his typewriter ...... The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him ...... Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
lp
New Member
4 Posts
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Posted - 22/11/2009 : 01:35
phone rings
'hi Momma - it's Sam - listen I've been very busy and I'm sorry I haven't been to see you - how about you come up this way - we could meet in New York - take in a show and get a bite to eat and you stay over - all on me - what do you say?'
Sarah (for it is she):- 'Vot? - all zat vay? oyoy - I'll die vit a joiny like dis - a bus ride like dis vun vill soitenly do for yor por ol momma'
Sam:- 'Momma - I'm the President of the United States - what you talking about 'busride'? - I could arrange a special train with your own private carriage if I wanted - come on - Broadway musicals - think about it...'
Sarah:- 'Trenz - viz oll dat noise and der rattling and der crowdz onder steshonz - I donno - my por ol heart...'
Sam:- 'Momma - ok listen - I'm the President of the United States - I can do anything - I'll send Air Force One down there to pick you up -'
Sarah:- 'Oh da flying and da checking in and Noo Yoik and da hustle and da bustle I vont know ver I am...'
Sam:- 'There'll be a limo to fetch you and, when you land, another one to take you into New York - hey I'm the U.S. President - I'll get you a police motorcycle escort - come on Momma - Broadway show and the best Kosher food on this side of the planet.. what's not to like?'
Sarah:- 'Aye yie yie - ok, ok - I'm coming, I'm coming ...'
week later Sarah meets Ruth in the Mall -
Ruth:- 'Sarah, where were you over the weekend? - we all missed you at the club for the card tournament'
Sarah:- 'Oh , I had a visit to my son for some dinner and a show and stayed over cuppla days..'
Ruth:- 'Your son the doctor?'
'Nah,' sighed Sarah, 'ze uzzer vun'
lp |
gearce
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Posted - 24/11/2009 : 07:20
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? ...... He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on ...... Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were ...... It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on ...... She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to ...... And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet ...... No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry ...... But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again ...... Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" ...... He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Tizer
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Posted - 28/11/2009 : 11:29
A Canadian friend sent me this one - notice there is nothing about Canada in it so I guess it was created there! Here goes...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and rescue us". Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Know any good clean Jokes
