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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 25/02/2006 : 15:28

Apologies to those of Italian descent or any other offence caused, but it made me laugh....

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again, I come again, and pee twice, then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....... "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 




Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 27/02/2006 : 16:39
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old
man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.



He placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.



He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering.


You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them."



As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said
they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.



The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink.



Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."



As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin,
the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a
single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"


She answered.....









"THE TEETH."



Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 27/02/2006 : 18:30
Trucker sat in cafe eating egg and chips..Gang of bikers roar up, burst into cafe and one starts to eat the trucker's chips.  Trucker says nothing but gets up and walks out.  Biker swaggers to the bar and says to the owner, 'Not much of a man eh?'  Owner says 'Not much of a driver either, he's just driven his artic right over your bikes........


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 09:46

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
 
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
 
The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
 
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now.

Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.

You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
 
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '
 

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 

'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b*ll*cks, not really any point in you coming in for that.'




Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Bruff
Regular Member


479 Posts
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 10:04
Three George Bush's are trekking through the Idaho wilderness.  They come across a river.  They're puzzled as to how to cross for a minute and then a genie appears and grants them 3 wishes.  The first says 'I'd like to be twice as intelligent'.  The wish is granted, and he grabs a creeper on a tree and swings across.  The second goes 'I'd like to be three times as intelligent'.  The wish is granted, and he hollows out a log and rows across.  The third goes 'I'd like to be ten times as inteliigent'.  The wish is granted and he walks over the bridge.
I suppose everyone is hearing the credit crunch jokes.
The Japanese Origami Bank has just folded.  The Sumo Bank has gone belly-up.  And the Karate Bank's the next for the chop.
What's the difference between a pigeon and a banker.  The pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Ferrari.
Richard Broughton



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Julie in Norfolk
Senior Member


1632 Posts
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 10:52
The contortionist bank doesn't know its *rse from its elbow.


Measure with a micrometer.
Mark with a pencil.
Cut with an axe. Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 00:35
The driver of a huger tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he ploughed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and unloaded a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. 'Astonishing!' the truck driver said to the crew chief. 'What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?' The crew chief said, 'Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.'

Thanks Big Kev for reviving this topic.

Edited by - gearce on 11/10/2008 06:31:21 AM


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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pluggy
Geek


1164 Posts
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 06:52
If you don't like sexist jokes, I suggest you skip this one :

There was a holy man who lived in California, God was really pleased with him so he said to the man 'What is your hearts desire ?, I want to to give you a present'.  The man thought for a while and said 'Well, I love to drive and I love Hawaii, I'd like a bridge to Hawaii'. God thought a while and said 'That's a huge project and an immense use of resources, isn't there something more in in keeping with your stature of holy man ?'.  The man thought and said 'Hmmm, OK God, you're right, it is a bit frivolous, give me the the ability to understand women instead'.  There was a long extended pause and eventually God said 'How many lanes do you want on this bridge ?'

 

 


Need computer work ?
"http://www.stsr.co.uk"

Pluggy's Household Monitor Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 07:17
I've laughed at all of these jokes, nice to see the topic back, but Pluggy's really made me giggle (as a female my first thought was 'Aren't we precious' ... )  Wink


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 11/10/2008 : 12:55
Every day for six months a giant rabbit hops into the same bar, hops up on the bar stool and orders a half pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Then one day he does his usual thing and the barman sadly shakes his head and says "Sorry Sport, I'm out of Ham...How about a Tomato and Cheese Toastie instead?"
"Yep...That will do" says the giant rabbit.
But he never comes in again after that.
Several months later, the Barman has a dream in which the giant rabbit is standing before him.
"What happened to you?" he asks the rabbit.
"I DIED" answered the rabbit. Apparently it was from MIXINGMYTOASTIES".


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 12/10/2008 : 00:25
An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, 'You all know what this means -- the Czech is in the male.'


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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marilyn
VIP Member


5007 Posts
Posted - 12/10/2008 : 10:31
Two old timers, best of mates for years, are sat quietly fishing on the bank.
After a long silence one of them turns to the other and says "Think I'm going to have to divorce my wife".
"Why?" asks his long time friend.
"Well things must be going bad. She hasn't spoken a word to me for over a month".
Another long silence ensues, until his mate says quietly "I'd reconsider If I were you. Women like that are hard to come by".


get your people to phone my people and we will do lunch...MAZ Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 13/10/2008 : 03:44
Mike was walking down the street with a computer under one arm, a photocopier under the other and a desk strapped to his back. A policeman stopped him and said 'I'm placing you under arrest.' 'Why?' asked Mike. 'For impersonating an office sir' replied the policeman.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Duckworth
Regular Member


86 Posts
Posted - 14/10/2008 : 01:20
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"





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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 14/10/2008 : 04:29
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
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