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BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




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Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 17/08/2010 : 18:06
Well, we know where he stuffed his socks !!


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 18/08/2010 : 05:31
No comment.... It struck me what a difference 28 years can make, now there's a thought.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 18/08/2010 : 11:29
A page or two back I put a postcard pictue of a doctor examining a well-endowed lady. My father in law saw this picture and replied:

"In my version of this the doctor has a lisp, so that when he says to the girl 'two big breaths', she says 'yeth and I'm only 16'.


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Stanley
Local Historian & Old Fart


36804 Posts
Posted - 18/08/2010 : 16:53
His fire's still burning.


Stanley Challenger Graham




Barlick View
stanley at barnoldswick.freeserve.co.uk Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 19/08/2010 : 04:50
quote:
Tizer wrote:
A page or two back I put a postcard pictue of a doctor examining a well-endowed lady. My father in law saw this picture and replied:

"In my version of this the doctor has a lisp, so that when he says to the girl 'two big breaths', she says 'yeth and I'm only 16'.

Reminds me of the sketch I saw in a movie (I think it was in one of the Carry On series and the actress was Barbara Windsor) where she was in the doctors wearing underwear and the doctor held a stethoscope to her chest and said "Big breaths". And she replied " Yeth! and I'm only thicthteen?"

The doctor didn't have a lisp though.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 22/08/2010 : 03:16
Here's a couple or three I thought you might like.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG."


If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'


Now We Know Why He Was a General -----  
In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 25/08/2010 : 07:21
OK! So I'm hogging the topic.

All the customers of the King's Head, the pub in a small English village, loved the landlord's little dog. When it died, they were all very upset.

They had a meeting to decide how best to remember the little dog.

"He was always happy," said Old George. "His tail was always wagging. Why don't we cut off his tail and stick it behind the bar!" Everyone agreed this was a good idea.

Meanwhile, the dog arrived in heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going.

The little dog said "I have been a good dog, so I am going into heaven where I belong!"

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail. Where is your tail"?

The little dog explained what had happened back on Earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to Earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind. So the little dog went back down to Earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the landlord, who lived upstairs, came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you"? said the landlord.

The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back.

The landlord replied: "I would really like to help you, but my license doesn't allow me to ... re-tail spirits after hours!"


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 25/08/2010 : 11:00
Keep 'em coming Gearce, always enjoy your posts.  Smile


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 26/08/2010 : 05:26
While on his state visit to England, George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

_____oooOOOooo_____

The Pope is visiting a small town and all the locals are wearing their Sunday best. Everyone lines up on the High street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking tramp who doesn't smell very good.

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, then it hits him. The Pope won't talk to him, he's concerned for the unfortunate people: the poor and and feeble ones.

Thinking fast, he gives the tramp £20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the tramp's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him.

Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 09:30
Here's a couple of short ones.

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The blonde wife, picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is Clear'."

-----oooOOOooo-----

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so d**mned boring We never have any fun anymore. For £5, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a £5 note. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 18/09/2010 : 09:26
At the Olympics, the track and field competitors were walking from the locker rooms towards the practice ground ...... A reporter accosted one of the athletes who was carrying a long pole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
The guy answered, "No, I am German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
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Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 22/09/2010 : 08:05

One day a father on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.



Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page

gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 23/09/2010 : 08:39
You may or may not have heard or read these jokes before ...... But what the heck, I think they're worth repeating

Male or Female?

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
FREEZER BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.
TYRES: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Male, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt. !
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
TRAINS: Male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Cathy
Senior Member


4249 Posts
Posted - 23/09/2010 : 10:53
Enjoyed those Gearce, thanks. 


All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 24/09/2010 : 09:01
You may or may not have heard or read these before ...... But what the heck, I think they're worth repeating.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

-----oooOOOooo-----

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years ..... Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible ...... He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month ...... Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door ...... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
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