Click here to register on OneGuyFromBarlick|2|1
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    23  24  25  [26]  27  28   Next Page  Last Page
Author Previous Topic Topic Next Topic  
BDonald
Regular Member


297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes





http://www.danggoodjokes.com/




 

 




Replies
Author
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    23  24  25  [26]  27  28   Next Page  Last Page
 
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 05/02/2011 : 08:22
I received a card on my birthday two years ago with exactly the same message ...... The first two lines on the outside and the third on the inside


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Bodger
Regular Member


892 Posts
Posted - 10/02/2011 : 22:21
Yorkshire man tecks is cat to vet
Yorkshiremam " I need to talk to thee abhat mi cat"
Vet      " is it a tom"
Yorkshireman " Nay, af browt it wi mi"

same chap, is dog dies, and he decide he will have a gold statue made in memory of it
Yorkshireman " can tha meck me a gold statue of mi dead dog"
Jewller " Do you want 18 carat ?"
Yorkshireman " Nay ye daft bugger, ah want it chewin a bone"


"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
  Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 11/02/2011 : 02:45
Good ones Bodger ...... Even I can understand them


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 11/02/2011 : 10:14
A couple of gems Bodger! Thanks.


Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 15/02/2011 : 03:58
CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home, and
and since the man’s lawyers were a little better than his wife’s; he prevailed and was granted the house. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back... Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...


... including the curtain rods!

 

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

The edit is to add a few words which I inadvertently left out at the beginning of the joke.


Edited by - gearce on 17/02/2011 12:16


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 15/02/2011 : 14:52
An older guy was in Tesco the other day, pushing his shopping cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a cart.

He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The older guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
 
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The older guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

Most older men are helpful like that.

Edited by - Tizer on 15/02/2011 14:53:35


Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 16/02/2011 : 02:12
I like that


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 17/02/2011 : 02:49
This is from the internet ...... Highlight, copy and paste the first 10 words into Google and take your pick


An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."



LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 21/02/2011 : 16:01
I was reading about the concrete blocks used for bulding walls and the newer lightweight aircrete blocks which are `foamed' and are 50% air. The man who wrote it is a well-known commentator on the building industry, Mark Brinkley, and he writes very readable article for magazines. But I loved this comment...

"If you want to know if the blocks you have are aircrete, then try dropping them in a bathful of water. If it floats, it’s aircrete. If not, then you’ll need a new bathtub!"

I wrote to him recently about whether fire retardants were used in the sheep's wool that people now sell for roof insulation. His reply ended as follows:
`Still haven't got to the bottom of the sheeps wool saga, but I do remember asking an Irishman who was selling the stuff whether it was treated with fire retardant. "No need," he replied, quick as a flash. "When did you last see a sheep on fire?" '

 


Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 22/02/2011 : 12:18
[Warning. Blondes should not read this]

p { margin-bottom: 0.21cm; }

7 degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blond wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blonds are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blond says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blond hands her the compact.

The second blond looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blond suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is really angry She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'


FOURTH DEGREE
A blond was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blond replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blond ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about..

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blond was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blond ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'

 


Go to Top of Page

Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 22/02/2011 : 13:07
Some Cannibals cook-up a stew of comedians....

One says to the other ....

"Does this taste funny to you  ....?"


BRADDERS BLUESINGER Go to Top of Page
Bradders
Senior Member


1880 Posts
Posted - 22/02/2011 : 13:11
.......and while I'm at it , this isn't word for word , but it's one of my favourite stories about Bob Monkhouse.....

He is reputed to have said . "When I was growing up , I always wanted to be a comic entertainer......People thought I was daft.....They're not laughing now " !


BRADDERS BLUESINGER Go to Top of Page
gearce
Regular Member


941 Posts
Posted - 28/02/2011 : 01:34
Scene: A gas station in Canada

Customer: Excuse me. Why won't my debit card work on the pump?
Owner: Are you using an American card?
Customer: Yes.
Owner: American cards don't work at the pump.
Customer: You should put up a sign.
Owner: We did, above the card slot.
Customer: Oh. Well, I don't read Canadian.


LANG MEY YER LUM REEK

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  
 Smile Go to Top of Page
Tizer
VIP Member


5150 Posts
Posted - 09/03/2011 : 09:29
One from father-in-law...

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

Women...they think of everything!

-------------------------------------------------

This was in yesterday's Evening Standard...

Three men are sitting at a table - a banker, a public-sector employee and a member of the "squeezed middle classes". In the centre of the table there is a plate with 12 biscuits on it.

The banker takes 11 of them, turns to the middle-income man and says: "Look out for that union guy. He's after a piece of your biscuit."


Go to Top of Page
Big Kev
Big


2650 Posts
Posted - 11/03/2011 : 22:34
This arrived in my inbox today...

Older men scam!  Ladies, pass this on to your husband, father, uncles, brothers, etc.

 

You might want to keep eyes open and heads up for this scam.

 

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.  I wanted to pass it on in This is the first warning I have seen for men. case you haven't heard about it.

 

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

 

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

 

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Dec. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.  Warn your friends to be vigilant.

 

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

 

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc

 

Send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

 

(The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

  


Big Kev

It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. Go to Top of Page
Topic is 33 Pages Long:
Go to Page
  First Page  Previous Page    23  24  25  [26]  27  28   Next Page  Last Page
 


Set us as your default homepage Bookmark us Privacy   Copyright 2004-2011 www.oneguyfrombarlick.co.uk All Rights Reserved. Design by: Frost SkyPortal.net Go To Top Of Page

Page load time - 0.703