| Author |
 Topic  |
|
BDonald
Regular Member
297 Posts
|
|
|
| Replies |
| Author |
|
|
Tizer
|
 Posted - 06/11/2010 : 10:22
Also on Toksvig's News Quiz was the final newspaper cutting (which sounded better spoken than it probably does written here!)
A strike is threatened in Blackpool by bus drivers because two drivers were sacked for being too fat to fit in their seats. A union representative said he "hoped everyone would be able to sit around the table to discuss it".
 |
Big Kev
|
Posted - 06/11/2010 : 10:49
It's a big table...
Big Kev
It doesn't matter who you vote for, you always end up with the government. |
gearce
|
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 03:08
Some people say the greatest feeling in the world is seeing your first child being born.
These people have clearly never had two Kit-Kats come out of a vending machine when you'd only paid for one.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all  |
Bodger
|
Posted - 07/11/2010 : 09:25
It was late fall on the indian reservation in Dakota, and the indians asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be mild or cold
Since he was a chief of modern society he had never been taught the old secrets of how to read the sky, nevertheless he advised the tribe it would be cold and that they should collect firewood
being a modern chief after a few days he rang the local weather station for a winter forcast, and was told it was going to be quite cold, so he went back to the tribe and told them to collect more firewood
a week later he rang the weather station again, this time they told him it was going to be a very cold winter, so he retuned to the tibe and told them to collect every scrap of wood they could find
two weeks later he rang the station again and asked them if they could confirm that the winter was going to be very cold, they told him it was going to be one of the coldest in history
he asked the weather man how could he be sure of the forecast?
the weatherman replied " the local indians are collecting firewood like crazy"
"You can only make as well as you can measure"
Joseph Whitworth
|
gearce
|
Posted - 09/11/2010 : 07:29
It was the first day of the autumn term, and Mrs Jones went to wake up her sleeping son at 7am.
"Wake up," she said. "It's time to get ready for school."
"Awww Mum!" groaned her son. "I don't want to go back to school!"
"Why ever not?" asked Mrs Jones. "What's the reason?"
"School is really boring. The kids hate me, and all the teachers hate me, too, and they make me do loads of really hard work that I don't want to do," he replied.
"Oh don't be silly," she said. "Now stop this nonsense at once and get ready for school."
"Give me one good reason why I should!" said her son.
"I'll give you two reasons," said Mrs Jones. "One - you're older now, and you have to start taking more responsibility. And two - you're the headmaster."
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Tizer
|
Posted - 09/11/2010 : 15:08
A couple of `Two Ronnies' jokes quoted in the Saga Magazine.
"There was a collision today outside Newport Pagnell between a van carrying prisoners and a lorry laden with cement. The police are looking for six hardened criminals."
"We've just heard that there's a new rail service specially for people travelling to Brighton. It's the Have it Away Day."
|
Bradders
|
Posted - 09/11/2010 : 15:52
....and then there's the new Air line specialising in travel from a North Yorkshire Seaside town to Texas.......Whitby-Houston.
BRADDERS BLUESINGER |
Tizer
|
Posted - 10/11/2010 : 09:25
...and the East Lancs chef who has his own `Canal Cottage' TV series......Hugh Burnley-Marketstall
|
gearce
|
Posted - 12/11/2010 : 02:57
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.
He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How in hell does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me...is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say Sem Ting."
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Tizer
|
Posted - 13/11/2010 : 11:45
Good one Greace, and it may well have really happened to an immigranrt coming in to New York years ago. The immigration officers allocated new names to people whose name they could not understand. That reminds me too that in the late 1800s there was one man sitting in a railroad company office in NY who allocated names to all the new railroad stops being set up across the US. That's why many smaller towns now have zany names.
I don't know if these puns have been on this thread before...
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done
Edited by - Tizer on 13/11/2010 11:49:49
|
gearce
|
Posted - 15/11/2010 : 06:38
Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings.
He picks it up and says "Hello".
The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country."
SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance."
Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time."
So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport."
Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope."
"Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting.
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that."
"Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor."
"Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all."
So Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?"
"Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all have sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30."
Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting."
"I will," says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all."
"At last." replies SH, "What made you change your mind?"
"Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
gearce
|
Posted - 16/11/2010 : 07:20
Dear Diary,
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
LANG MEY YER LUM REEK
There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all |
Tizer
|
Posted - 16/11/2010 : 10:22
Some good ones there Gearce, confirming that good jokes can also be clean jokes! Here's a couple of comedians' jokes quoted in the latest issue of Saga Magazine.
* "My mother keeps taking photographs of me. She says if I disappear she wants me to look good on the News."
* This from Two Ronnies again..."Here is the news. We have just heard that two ships have collided in the English Channel, one carrying purple paint and the other red paint. The sailors are reported to have been marooned."
|
belle
|
Posted - 16/11/2010 : 13:14
Here's one sent to me the other day. Marriage is like a pack of cards, in the begining all you need are two hearts and a diamond, by the end it's a club and a spade you are looking for!
Life is what you make it |
Tizer
|
Posted - 16/11/2010 : 20:23
 we'll have to tell that one to William and Kate (sorry Katherine)!
|
|
|
|
|
Know any good clean Jokes
