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Regular Member

297 Posts
Posted -  12/01/2006  :  19:35

Know any good clean Jokes



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Regular Member

941 Posts
Posted - 01/10/2011 : 23:48

tripps wrote:
The barman said - we don't serve neutrinos here.....

There was this neutrino who walked into a bar.....

Had to look up the meaning of neutrino.


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Senior Member

1880 Posts
Posted - 02/10/2011 : 00:51
What did they call that bird that went round in ever decreasing circles , until it  vanished up it's own ....erm .. ?

"Cernus Oozlum non Einstein Darwinimus"...sounds about right to me........(almost latin)

I'm sure  I caught site of one  .......

about  a week next Friday.......If Peter's relatives should haven't !



Edited by - Bradders on 02/10/2011 01:35:52 AM

Regular Member

941 Posts
Posted - 03/10/2011 : 03:13
A man was sitting reading his newspaper when his wife walked up and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it" she replied.

Dazed, he said, "Don’t be silly. When I went to the races Mary Ellen was the name of the horse I bet on"

His wife seemed satisfied and apologised. Three days later he’s sitting in his chair reading again when she nails
him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconcious.

When he comes to, he asks, "What was that for?"

"Your horse phoned."

Another wrote:
Carlos Tevez has opened a sandwish shop - "Subnoway" . Nolic

Just got this one after reading the football report in today's newspaper on the Manchester City v. Blackburn Rovers match where it read "City, which suspended Carlos Teves after his refusal to come off the bench in the Champions League defeat against Bayern Munich, bounced back in style ...... "

Edited by - gearce on 13/10/2011 10:49


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Traycle Mine Overseer

6250 Posts
Posted - 12/10/2011 : 12:25
Just seen on Twitter. All we need now is for iPhone to go down and then there is the perfect headline "Apple and Blackberry crumble" !! Nolic

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Regular Member

479 Posts
Posted - 12/10/2011 : 13:50
Letter in The Guardian last week, which I think counts as a joke:

These past few years we have lost Johnny Cash and Bob Hope and now Steve Jobs.  So we have no jobs, no cash and no hope.

Richard Broughton

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Barlick Born Old Salt

2021 Posts
Posted - 12/10/2011 : 14:40
Not just a joke, thats a bloody classic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Regular Member

941 Posts
Posted - 13/10/2011 : 07:51
A selection from THE WORDORIUM - A Dictionary of Daffy Definitions (A collection of some 1553 alternate meanings for some common words. A daffy definition or 'daffynition' is any twisted and humorous definition of an English word. Although many daffynitions are just horrible puns (for example, "each = something you scratch"), some are clever epigrams. A subclass of daffynition is the 'goofinition' which depends on literal associations and correct spellings for its wordplay power (for example, "balderdash = rapid hair loss" and "summer = abacus"). Then there is the 'prefixed goofinition', which applies to words which appear to have prefixes like auto- or pre- or un- etc, (for example, "expert = no longer lively" and "counterman = census taker". Another subclass of daffynition is the 'charade' where the words are bundles of two or more words, like board-walk or a-bun-dance. Sometimes the components can suggest a definition very different from the whole word’s real meaning (for example, "thinking = skinny monarch" and "pungent = someone who thinks he’s witty") ) by Jacelyn Rymon, plus some others which I came across elsewhere.

Bachelor - One who never Mrs. a girl.

Carrion - Continue.

Dachshund - A Great Dane after taxes.

Edinburgh - Action taken by a cowering bonny bunny.

Fishmonger - A selfish man.

Glass - Chinese marijuana.

Hair - The only thing that will prevent baldness.

Information fee - Know charge.

Jacket - Action taken to a broken-down car.

Kindred - Fear that relatives are coming to stay.

- Your former partner turns up for the divorce hearing when it had finished.

Miner - Someone who won’t share.


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Revolving Grey Blob

3044 Posts
Posted - 16/10/2011 : 16:27
Seen on Facebook, by one Diana Christova:
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). 

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one)

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too)

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.) 

8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. 

God Save the Queen!
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Regular Member

941 Posts
Posted - 18/10/2011 : 03:01
Received these in an email ...... More than likely they're on the Internet but I haven't checked.


Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a greek girl.

He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai.

He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Australia.

He told her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Jannette, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, "Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an 'type of unpleasant person'. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Jannette called him a 'type of pudding head'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

Note: The words in italics are substituted for the original words.


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Regular Member

941 Posts
Posted - 23/10/2011 : 03:11
I felt my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got permission from my doctor to join a fitness club and start exercising ...... I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors ...... I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour, but by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.


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Senior Member

4249 Posts
Posted - 23/10/2011 : 09:13
lolol  (I shouldn't laugh, I'm halfway there :(  )

All thru the fields and meadows gay  ....  Enjoy   
Take Care...Cathy Go to Top of Page
VIP Member

5150 Posts
Posted - 23/10/2011 : 11:26
I loved Calluna's `queen' joke and Gearce's `parking ticket' and `leotard' ones. I do have a quibble with Calluna's item 8 - what's this stuff called `catsup' (shouldn't the Queen have dealt with that too)? I'm sympathetic about the `potato chip' problem - when I was a food scientist (and then an editor) it caused enormous problems when communicating with our American colleagues. How can you advance science if you can't distinguish between chips and crisps? (Perhaps I've just got a crisp on my shoulder about this issue.)

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Regular Member

892 Posts
Posted - 23/10/2011 : 16:14
crisp /chip, i worked for an American company, and quiered their pronunciation of shedule as opposed to schedule, the smart buggers replied it all depends which shule you went to

"You can only make as well as you can measure"
                           Joseph Whitworth
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Local Historian & Old Fart

36804 Posts
Posted - 24/10/2011 : 05:36
'Fish and Fries'. "Two nations divided by a common language". (Bernard Shaw)

Stanley Challenger Graham

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VIP Member

5150 Posts
Posted - 24/10/2011 : 16:48
Sandy Toksvig on the News Quiz said: "I've got an allergy to sweet and fatty foods. Every time I eat any I swell up."

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